You Can’t Change Others (So Change Yourself)
November 20th, 2009 | 
Author: I love leaders who see the possibility and potential in the people they lead. Yet the methods many use to “change” those employees who aren’t performing up to their potential are ineffective:
“I wish you would……(fill in the blank)”
“I don’t like the way you……(fill in the blank)”
“I want you to change…….(fill in the blank)”
We spin our wheels when we apply the illusion of control to the people we lead. We think we can make them into something more to our liking, more like us, more like …….whatever.
If there is one thing that we cannot control, it’s the people we lead. We might be able to (to some extent) control our schedules, control our work, control other parts of our leadership better – but people are wonderfully complex, diverse and unpredictable. So stop trying to control them, and put your efforts into motivating and influencing them by changing yourself:
- Include them in your decisions and thinking. They want that. Help them to be a part of the solution. If you have a team that is interested in reaching consensus, read this practical post at Great Leadership on “How to Maximize Collaboration and Reach Consensus in Under One Hour”
- Listen to them more than you can ever imagine you would. Highly underrated as a skill set for leaders and more difficult than you think, listening (I mean really listening, not pretend listening) is one of the least used skills by leaders. Or anyone.
- Respect them and if you can’t, find somewhere, anywhere else that their talent can be used. If you can’t respect those you lead, either you don’t deserve to be a leader or they don’t deserve to be a follower.
- Appreciate them out loud when they are on the right track. Appreciating them is great, but you get to reinforce the behaviors you want when you genuinely let them know what they are doing right.
Stop spinning your wheels and change YOURSELF by changing how you behave toward others. Including, listening, respecting, and appreciating are infectious. Try these instead of trying to change others, and who knows what might be possible?
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6 Responses to “You Can’t Change Others (So Change Yourself)”
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Hi Mary Jo, I like how you crafted this post. I read it several times and came away with something new each reading. Bravo! That’s the mark of a good writer.
I noticed the word “infectious” was used at the end of the post. I’m intrigued by its inclusion. Its meanings are primarily negative, such as “pollute” or “contaminate”, but I interpret you to mean to “exemplify” or “encourage,” which I wholeheartedly agree with.
Exemplification, for me, is a foreign element that shows people new possibilities for behavior. Subtle and undemanding, it may lead to someone deciding to behave differently. And because it’s freely chosen, it’s the change most likely to stick.
The paradox — although you can’t change others, your example may change others.
MJ,
Terrifically practical post on what could be an esoteric topic.
I especially latched onto the bullet point about “respect”. My experience has been that, absent respect, it’s really impossible to have a relationship of any positive consequence. And, that there IS such a thing as chemistry which can be totally absent while talent is actually present.
As you suggest, make a move–and do it quickly. Nothing good can come of a connection that lacks mutual respect.
Hi Steven, I like “exemplification”. Will look for a reason to use that word in the context you’ve put it!
Hi Steve, I’ve been thinking about respect a lot lately. I think we’ve lost some of it in our society, in our organizations. Thanks for your insight – can’t have a relationship without respect!
In my Working Supervisor’s Support Kit ( http://www.threestarleadership.com/supervisorsupportkit/ ) and programs I note that leadership is the art of using the behavior you do control to influence behavior that you don’t control. You’ve added an important dimension to that by suggesting specific ways to change what you do so that you will become more influential and more effective. Thank you.
Wally, I’ve noticed that the most effective change happens when a leader is willing to change; this is the behavior that is within the leader’s grasp to change. I like the way you put it – “the art of using behavior you do control to influence behavior you don’t control.”
Very insightful article. The best boss I ever had was able to see possibilities and potential in his employees. It’s a wonderful thing. With it comes empowerment and growth. A book I’m reading called “Words for Warriors” by Ralph Puckett also touches on this point. I’m finding it a really great book. http://www.ralphpuckett.com/words-for-warriors/