I love it when I come across true servant leaders. They know how to connect with others and how to develop the kind of relationships that have the power to move their organizations into the extraordinary zone. These humble leaders seem hard wired to assist their stakeholders to become the best they can be through coaching and mentoring those who need a boost in their ability to connect and deepen relationships.
Jan was one of those leaders. People were drawn to her style that brought out the best in them. She was a positive force with a great deal of “helper” in her; much of her time was spent with people who asked for her assistance.
When we talked about how she helped others it became clear that her intent and her behavior weren’t in sync; there were ways that she could be more even more effective.
Through our conversation Jan realized that she was really helping herself in some very subtle ways. When she was mentoring and coaching, she was giving her opinion, directing, and advising others (often disguised in “leading questions”). In other words, she was telling others what to do and how to do it in a way that served her because she loved getting that boost of adrenaline that solving other’s problems gave her.
There’s a place for advice, opinion, and direction. Think about a time that you received unsolicited advice or direction. If it came from your manager you may follow through but you may not be as invested as you would be if you figured it all out on your own. All of the self-learning came from your manager packaged neatly, tied with a bow, including a label of “how you should do it”, preventing you from discovering new ways to do things without directed help.
If you truly want to help the people you serve to learn and develop, consider:
Your intent: Is your intent to really help them or is it to show what you know, what you think is right, or to get quick action? Think about it. If you surmise that the people you are helping can figure things out on their own, your focus should be on assisting them to do that. Let go of your need to personally get something out of your efforts and help them to think and find creativity within themselves.
The gift of questions: Be curious. Ask some of those great open-ended questions that don’t lead them to “your way” and that they may not know the answers to. Heck, you might not even know the answers to them. Be careful with the questions you ask when being helpful; they just might be disguised as your advice, direction or opinion.
Heartfelt encouragement: As you watch people learn and develop more than you ever thought possible, encourage them from the heart and let them fail. The freedom to figure things out for themselves is what they’ve always wanted and they need you to cheer them on.
Think carefully about who you are really helping with your opinions, direction and advice. It may not be who you think it is.
