What Assumptions Are You Making?
January 25th, 2011 | 
Author: If you pay attention to your thoughts, you may find that assumptions you make about others are one of the biggest reasons for any misunderstandings and unhealthy conflicts that you can have. These assumptions appear out of nowhere, ready to strike down established relationships and cause confusion, harm, and turmoil. It pays to become aware of the assumptions you make, as noticing and reflecting on them before you act can prevent undue stress. The most common reasons I see for leaders making assumptions are:
You make assumptions from a lens that is too focused on what you don’t like about someone: A soccer coach told me that the hardest thing to do was to make sure that he didn’t just focus on a small part of the soccer field. He needed to be able to “zoom out” and see the entire field when necessary, something good coaches (and leaders) need to be able to do too. Spend some time with others (particularly those you may have difficulty with) and zoom out to see the whole picture. If you’re focused on only one aspect of someone’s personality or ability, ask yourself “What is the complete story I need to learn about this person?”.
You haven’t been clear about your expectations: You assume that because you declared something (like a deadline or an outcome) that others understood you completely. You must be clear and thoughtful in what you communicate, and ask them if they understand. Important communications require you to stop and carefully consider the content you are going to communicate. If you are making assumptions about others’ lack of understanding, ask yourself, “What is my role in others’ lack of understanding the expectations I communicated?”
You allow the past to dictate the present: You assume that someone can’t change. Because they made a mistake in the past, you believe that they are inept – forever. Oh ye of little faith. People can, and do change. Forget the past and assume the best. Chances are their best actions will follow. If you are making assumptions about someone’s inability to change for the better, ask yourself, “Have I changed from my past? Can this person also change?”
Start to listen to yourself and the assumptions you make about others; ask yourself if they are true, then seek to listen and discover more. It’s well worth it if you want to maintain and grow your relationships.
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12 Responses to “What Assumptions Are You Making?”
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Assumptions should start for one in terms of having a better perception; then, we could assume for others mainly if we act as leaders in our organizations. Likewise, assumptions, indeed, should cover a broad spectrum as well as not only asking them if they understood but also inducing wrong questions in order to know if they have truly understood. Regarding the third reason, in truth, all change is possible whether we have a positive mind. By the way, the past is important, but the future is much better, so managers should take into account the following proverb “of the mistakes one learns.”
Hi Mary Jo,
Well, you’ve got the trifecta here – assumptions, expectations and past judgment!
The impact of these three pillars of communication can’t be overstated. They can be a huge barrier. And of course expectations grow out of our assumptions – he did this in the past, so that means this will happen next.
I love this quote which I’m sure you’ve heard, “we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”
If we did nothing but become aware of the assumptions we are making in a communication, we’d be amazed at the result – on ourselves and on the others in our commmunication.
thanks for this enlightening post,
Louise
Julio, thanks – it is certainly important for us to recognize how our perceptions lead to assumptions. Perceptions are the lens that we see things through.
Louise, I didn’t know there was a trifecta (I just write about what I observe). How about that? I completely agree with your analysis that “If we did nothing but become aware of the assumptions we are making in a communication, we’d be amazed at the result”. What a great quote. And like most things in life, the hard part is doing it. Thanks for your insight.
Hi Mary Jo,
Thanks for a great post. Lately I’ve been paying attention to my own assumptions, the ones I take for granted, and have been challenging them by saying I don’t really know if that’s true. It has opened up so many new possibilities that I’ve been astounded. I find my biggest challenge is surfacing my deeper assumptions because I’ve held them so long, I’ve assumed they are reality. But by finding and challenging them, I’ve found that my “reality” often shifts. I made a sign and put it on my refrigerator to remind me: “things don’t have to mean what they meant” My life has gotten so much more interesting and fun.
Jesse
Jesse, congratulations on this hard introspection. It has great value for you, as I can see. I have been working on my own assumptions (usually about people) over the last few years, and it has been a life changer for sure. I really like the sign reminder idea. P.S. I love your book, “Full Steam Ahead”.
I think the hardest thing about assumptions is you don’t always realize or recognize them. For me if I recognize the assumption it usually after the fact. I like to think I am open minded, but I realize I have a lot of preconceived ideas. I think it is human nature to group people together. Once you have done that, then you will make a stereotypical guess to everyone within that group, not realizing everyone is different in their own way.
Michael, I agree. Assumptions are often hidden quite deep in our psyche sometimes. Even though we might be angry when they are pointed out to us, sometimes they are – and it is a time to listen to ourselves when that happens. I might be wrong about this, but I think as we practice listening to our own assumptions that surface after the fact, we can get better at discovering them of ourselves in real time. The questions I’ve provided in the post might help. Keep them handy. Thanks for stopping over and adding your insights.
I totally agree with your opinion about assumption. I find self-assumption becoming a barrier of communicaton. We always think about problems from our own side and take it for granted that others will probably consider the same way. We have expections from others when we talk about something, so we will feel uncomfortable when others disagree with us. We should encourage diversity in our communication and assumption.
Mary Jo-
I personally find that making quick assumptions on little amounts of information to be a difficult thing to stop doing (judging a book by its cover). I think we can all agree that it is best to make our decisions based on facts, but sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be entirely possible. By making decisions off of assumptions you are rolling the dice, and can cause conflict or missed opportunity; but it is something that is necessary for us to do everyday, in order to avoid indecision.
Meng, awareness is the first step! When we become aware of the assumptions in our thoughts, we can ask “is it true” and keep our ears open to learn more. Thanks!
Hi Bryce, I agree that a balance of assumtion (or intuition) and fact is a great way to make decsions. However, I wonder if our assumptions about people are always the best tactic?
What a great reminder, thank you. After all assumptions about a person and a situation it is useful to ask: is that true? Loved the post!