The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Part III, Manifesting Change
September 8th, 2009 | 
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In Part I of The Stories We Tell Ourselves, we explored how to discover (get clarity, “illuminate”) the stories that may hold you back. In Part II, some questions were offered to help you decide if you wanted to make a change to those stories. We’re in the home stretch with this post; it’s time to talk about making the change.
Assuming that you are committed to changing your story, these four words will help you manifest the changes you wish to make to the stories you tell yourself: partner, plan, practice, patience.
Plan: Create a written action plan, beginning with your goal; what is the new story you want to tell yourself? Work with your partner to create some action steps, measurements, and timelines. For those of you who have managed projects, this may look very much like a personal project plan. Meet with your partner on a regular basis to discuss progress and update your plan, which has now become a “living document” for changing your story.
Practice: In building your action plan, you`ve likely discovered some new behaviors you`d like to try on that will further your progress. Writing them down is important. But even more important is to try some of them, see what works for you, and practice, practice, practice. Your partner should be asking how the practice is going, and helping you to make any adjustments to your action steps. As you practice, you are building new habits ?€“ and new neuronal connections in your brain. When those connections are complete, you no longer need to “practice” ?€“ the new habits become automatic.
Patience: Have patience as you make changes to your stories. Be relentless and committed, but be kind to yourself as you begin to create a new story. Understand that others may not see your new story as quickly as you feel they should; feedback from those around you may lag behind your image of how you are changing things. Have faith that the process works.
What new stories are you creating about yourself? Who will you partner with to plan, practice and assure success? What will your leadership look like as you manifest these new stories?
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I don't think your mention of coaches is overly self promoting, Mary Jo — it just makes sense. Change is difficult. To give yourself the best chance for success, you need someone to partner with you.
I also really appreciate the reminder that change takes practice. If we have been entrenched in a thinking pattern that is less than helpful, replacing those thoughts with new ones takes time… a process of retelling the new story again and again.
Good post, Mary Jo. Your reference to developing new neural connections reminded me of similar references in Daniel Coyle's book 'The Talent Code'. I can also attest to the value of mentors, coaches and others who are committed to the guidance, Accountability and progress. I've bookmarked your blog and look forward to future posts ~ Mark
Hi Becky, Thanks for your kind comments. I would also add that not only does it make sense to practice the new story, but the behaviors that go along with it and noticing where the new story shows up for you in your every day life.
Mark, glad you have come on board! I always appreciate reading suggestions and will look up the book you mentioned.
Hi Mary Jo,
You offer some practical advice here on how to go about changing your personal story. There are two points you make that I think are very important ones – first the one about this plan being a "living document". Too many times, when we try to plan out things in our lives, we tend to treat it like we're making a souffl?© – if you don't follow the directions to the letter, it won't rise. While that's true about making this dessert, we need to recognize the same doesn't apply to our lives and that adjustments/changes to our plans are necessary to the process so that, like a souffl?©, we can rise in the end.
The second point that you made which resonated was the point about practicing. Again, here's another key aspect that we tend to not put a lot of emphasis on. I've known people who try to change some aspect and after a few tries give up because it was too hard. Your point here about practicing until the change becomes a natural response is one that doesn't get covered enough.
This has been a great series, Mary Jo. Thanks for the enjoyable read.
It's critical to choose the right accountability partner (coach) for specific action steps. I have multiple peer coaches, depending on the situation, i.e. teaching, working, parenting, running, strength/conditioning).
I've also experienced that it's necessary to reinforce and reaffirm PERMISSION to hold each other accountable. In my case, a friend asked me to coach him to finish a half-marathon, then became defensive and offered excuses when I'd check on his training progress.
His story was that "I run for fun, I don't need you to help me have fun." Which is very different from the original story he told me.
Hi Tanveer,
I love your thoughts on this. The souffle analogy is particularly perfect! I look at life like most things – it is all practice. As a recovering perfectionist, "practice" helps me to learn and get better each time I try.
Angie – I completely agree that the right partner is important. When I look for a coach, I want a coach – not a consultant. Having been blessed with experiencing (one more than one occasion) the right coach at the right time – I know how important this is!
Most of the time, I find it best to stay away from coaching friends. For the same reasons you mentioned.
I love the 4 P's mentioned in this post. All of them are certainly very important when trying to commit to a change successfully.
Partnering reminds me of the quote "Birds of a feather flock together". If you want to change, having the right people around you is crucial. Surrounding yourself with people who hold similar values will put you on a faster track.
Planning — I love how you said to create a written plan. All too often, we often forget things when we only take mental notes.
Practicing — One must be able to walk the talk. However, this actually reminds me of my piano teacher. The word "practice" isn't enough. She'd always say: "Practice does not make perfect. Good practice makes perfect."
Patience — Unfortunately, change is usually a slow process. This virtue is essential if the person truly wants to see results.
Great post, Mary Jo!!
Thank you for this series of posts. I'm working through the process of changing my own stories. I'm putting your suggestions into practice immediately. Thanks again.
Cirel,
Thanks for your adding your wisdom to the post! I especially appreciate your reinforcing the written plan. Without it, what roadmap do we follow? It is a continual reminder of our commitments and progress.
Change in itself is difficult! When you break it down to three stages what could go wrong? I think this is great and the practicing stage is probably the most difficult. As you said repetitive practice becomes automatic. Looks like a plan for success.