Stop Trying to Make Others Happy
July 11th, 2010 | 
Author: In many ways, it makes sense to try to make your followers happy; and it might sound strange that I, your peaceful workplace advocate, would encourage you to stop trying to please others. Hang in there with me on this one, I think you might agree with what I have to say.
When you try to make others happy, you – well – try. That’s all you can do is try; no guarantees. And when you don’t get it right, you get frustrated and may even think there is something wrong with the person you are trying to please.
Some examples that didn’t work
Let’s take a couple of real examples. Robert, a manager of managers, has an open door policy and regularly lets his staff know that they can come in anytime he’s in the office to ask questions or discuss concerns. He listens well and is great at solving problems. Yet he has started to dread these meetings. Every time someone walks in her door, he ends up with something added to his “to do” list.
He thought his helpful ways would make his staff happy. Yet there is a fair amount of discord amongst them, and they don’t seem to be stepping up to the plate in terms of learning and accepting responsibility on their own.
Paula, also a senior manager, has been doling out “on the spot” bonus checks for over a year to the employees in her organization to reward them when they’ve completed things on time and on budget. Her level of frustration has been rising as surveys show that some of the employees complain that she plays favorites and they express concern that they have been left out of the reward system. The ones who receive the checks don’t seem to be understand the “reinforcement” she’s trying to emphasize with the money; their performance is inconsistent.
What works
Instead of trying to make others happy with a one-size-fits-all sort of happiness program, how about respecting your employees enough to ask them what would please them?
Happiness is personal; the best chance of success is when employees are rewarded with things that are meaningful specifically to them. One person might appreciate the 1:1 time with you to help them sort things out (NOT to solve their problems), and another might appreciate a bonus check for a job well done. Others (I was always in this oddly unusual group) would prefer increased responsibility, a new assignment that will stretch them or the opportunity to learn through a workshop or class.
Ask and keep track
It’s a simple concept to respect others enough to ask them what they want and then to follow through and give it to them (within reason, of course). Ask them:
- What can I do to help you to be your best at work?
- What rewards motivate you?
- How can I contribute to your success?
Keep track of the answers you get, by name. When the time is right, follow through and make them happy by providing them what they asked for.
What have you tried that didn’t work? How did you find what did?
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7 Responses to “Stop Trying to Make Others Happy”
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Excellent post, Mary Jo. I agree that the title of your piece might surprise some of your readers, but you make a very compelling case for the rationale behind your thinking.
I believe part of the issue that’s behind the frustration leaders might have in these circumstances is that they’re putting happiness as the goal, as opposed to an outcome, of their respective actions.
I love your question about asking your employee how we can contribute to their success as it aligns their accomplishments with the organization’s; that it removes these notions of self-centricity and gets everyone focused on collaboration that also rewards employees with a sense of personal fulfillment and happiness.
By shifting that focus from worrying about how to make your employees happy to helping them succeed, leaders can help their organizations reach their objectives while providing an environment where their employees come to work not dreading another work week, but feeling enthusiastic to take on the challenges of the day.
Thanks Tanveer. I would add that some leaders are so focused on being “people pleasers” that they assume that others want what they have to give. Not always true. Unfortunately, I’ve learned this the hard way over the years, but am getting better at asking others for their input.
Great post, well argued. I enjoyed it greatly. I just wrote about this from a similar vein on Compensation Cafe, concluding Never assume that something you find rewarding would be received the same way by anyone else.
This was in response to recent stories in the news about using mortification as a means of motivation (forced dancing in front of colleagues if you do well) and even putting employees in the hospital after a forced fire walk at a “motivation meeting.”
For once, Recognition is not a good application of the golden rule. You don’t want to recognize unto others as you would have them recognize you. Rather, you want to recognize others as they want to be recognized!
If you’d like to read the Compensation Cafe post, it’s available here: http://www.compensationcafe.com/2010/07/how-not-to-recognize-mortification-motivation.html
Derek, well said. The realization that we should be looking at “treating (recognizing) others as THEY want to be treated (recognized)” is a point that extends its’ way into many managerial actions.
As I read your excellent post, I recalled a time when I was to receive recognition for years of service to the company I worked for. I was in HR at the time, and really felt that recognizing our employees for service overshadowed recognizing them for accomplishment. Personally, I preferred to be recognized for my actions and results, not the time I put in which was irrelevant to me.
But my manager insisted that I receive my service award in front of the rest of the team. I really liked this manager, but felt her recognition system was misguided because meanwhile, “on the spot” bonus checks that recognized accomplishments were handed out in private.
The good news about the service award program was that at least I got to select the gift I preferred.
First of all, I’m laughing because those two managers pursue the same strategies I pursue with my kids, who are utterly wonderful but also don’t always display the consistent behavior or, ah, gratitude I would expect. Second of all, as someone who has managed large, diverse teams I completely agree with you about the motivational value of tailored practices, and am now wondering if adopting more tailored practices would spruce up my parenting game…
Thanks Laura. It’ll be interesting to see if this works in parenting!
I partially agree to this. I feel many times people really do not understand this fuzzy concept happiness. Many times they do not know what they really want. Sometimes they seek more responsibility , when given, they get tired with work pressure and long for family & friends. Well you may say extremity is bad, but it happens much earlier, as many clearly do not understand the pragmatism associated with happiness. But, there are some natural things those make one happy. Anyone can try them and make others feel little better.Besides letting people decide what to do , what makes them happy creates many complex psychological responses. We need is a happy,creative resource working for organisational goals.