From the September 2008 Aspire Newsletter:

I have great respect for leaders who are willing to own up and step forward to resolving situations that everyone else is complaining about. It takes great courage to admit “I have a role to play in this situation” and to step into the leadership spotlight to make changes for the greater good.

However, sometimes a leader can get stuck in the blame game; whining and criticizing others for not changing a bad situation. Criticism and judgment about a team that isn’t functioning well, an employee who is underperforming, or a boss who is problematic can be cathartic, but whining doesn’t fix anything. Generally, I find that leaders are anxious to take action to do their part in resolving the situation but get stuck on defining their role and the action to be taken.

One of the things that good coaches can do is to help a leader who is stuck in blame, criticism or whining get clear about their responsibility in frustrating situations. With this issue, I’m giving you a tool to coach yourself when you are stuck.

I’m usually not much on gimmicks, but I have been known to use three simple questions that a leader can remember to ask themselves to get started on accepting responsibility and taking action. These questions can also be used by the leader when coaching others who may be playing the “blame game” to help them understand their responsibility in a situation. I hope this month’s “Dear Leader” letter will help you and your team when you are stuck in the blame game.

A Letter to Leaders: Three Questions to Stop the Blame Game

Dear Leader,

I’ve heard you complain about situations that you are not happy about. You blame your team, your manager, or your organization for a bad situation. All of your negative criticism isn’t changing anything.

Although you know that you cannot actually change others, you can change how you view and react to the situation. This may be just the catalyst needed to turn things around. You already care enough about what is happening to be critical about it. The next step is to begin to become unstuck by deciding what you want to do about it.

There are three important questions you can ask yourself to start the process of change:

1. What is my role in this situation? Sometmes, a leader needs to own up to the fact that they’ve had some part in the circumstances that they are unhappy about. This isn’t about assigning personal responsibility when it doesn’t exist (it may not). Rather, it’s about seeing clearly that the individual, team or organization may have created the situation with some help from you. Even non-action or silence on your part could have allowed uncomfortable circumstances to get to where they are now.

2. Do I have a responsibility in resolving this situation? You may believe that you have no responsibility in resolving the situation at all. This is perfectly ok. You can choose to excuse yourself from it. In which case, the honorable thing to do would be to stop complaining about it. However, if you decide that you have some responsibility to take action, continue on to question number three.

3. What is the first step I can take? Often, one small step is all that is needed. This first step may point the way to further action or it may be enough in and of itself to put the situation to rest. Just do it!

Answering the three simple questions and taking some action, (including choosing not to take any action) may be all it takes to resolve the situation or change your mind set about it. Either way, you’ve made a choice, and you can now move out of the blame game.

Warm Regards, Mary Jo