I agree listening takes great effort. I wish I was better at it. I think it is easy to form judgements or conculsions about the “talker,” all too quickly. IMO sometimes I do not even know why I have these opinions; maybe my previous mood is the cause. For example, carry over from another unrelated problem can create a bias which contributes to a formulation of judgement on a totaly unrelated subject.

Or if I have a negative perception of this person then it just seems like a real chore to listen him / her. As a result, I think it is easier to listen to someone for the first time or if you have a positive opinion about them.

Anyway, I must try harder to be more patient and control bias. Thanks for the article.

Stephanie, I love your depiction of listening as giving respect to others. And your tesimonial that it reduces your stress level to turn off the distractions is something I hadn’t thought about!

I realized the importance of listening when I was working as Manager in Call Center. You have all sorts of customers calling in. Young,old, Irate, from different Geographical locations. Add to that, the pressure of resolving the issue quickly. Understanding their tone and body language was very important because we could not see them. And this means lot of effort.

Thanks for highlighting that Mary Jo.

Bret, its unfortunate that your response is common. I do find that when managers model listening, it can be seen more frequently throughout their organizations. It is, indeed, a rare skill – but it can be learned.

Your focus has been on in-person conversations, and I’d like to add a couple of thoughts about listening when on the telephone. When I really need to absorb what someone is saying, I close my eyes. That keeps me from being distracted by what’s on my desk or computer screen. It allows me to concentrate solely on their words and tone of voice. If needed, I can open my eyes to jot down an important note. Also, I’ve experienced someone trying to multi-task while they were talking with me on the phone – e.g., I could hear them type while I was talking. I simply stop and say, “I’ll wait for you to finish what you’re doing before I continue, so you can listen to what I’m saying.” I know for a scientific fact and from personal experience that they cannot give full attention to two things at the same time. If they’re doing something else, they’re missing some part of what I’m saying.

It does come down to respect and humility – recognizing that we don’t have all the answers and honoring the opinions of others. I think it’s not just ego, it’s also self-esteem. When we don’t have strong confidence in ourselves, we can be concerned about looking wrong, less intelligent, incompetent, etc. When we’re secure in who we are, we find it easier to be open to ideas that challenge our thinking because we don’t take it personally. Perhaps having an attitude of, “What can I learn from listening to this person?” would set the stage for giving full attention and respect, which would lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations – and result in stronger relationships.

Thank you for the difference you’re making in people’s lives by the words you’ve written here.