Listening Part IV: Opening Up
February 24th, 2010 | 
Author: When was the last time you felt as if you were listened to? What was that like?
Many people find it difficult to answer the first question; however, those that can have no problem remembering what it felt like: I often hear them say “I felt valued” or “I felt like someone cared”.
Simple in theory, yet hard to do, listening is a powerful tool for leaders that makes people feel as if they matter. When people feel like they matter, they will give their best to you and your organization. This is such a profound truth that I’ve wondered why we don’t get listening training in school and at work (“listening skills” should be part of every leadership development program!).
What causes a leader to close his ears?
In addition to the external distractions that pull us away from listening, the hierarchical and political nature of our organizations has had a hand in a leader’s reluctance to listen as they should. We tend to perpetuate the myth that our leaders have all the answers, so they must be smarter. They begin to believe this themselves. The truth is, that if they are giving all of the answers, they aren’t listening, and they’ve stopped valuing what others have to say.
The danger is that when we close our ears, we may also have ceased learning. When we believe we know it all, we have stopped valuing what others have to add to the dialog. When we open ourselves up what others say, we learn from them and they feel valued.
It takes effort
Most of us are not be accustomed to opening ourselves up to this deep level of listening; it requires great patience and practice. We must be willing to take the time to listen. We must suspend our judgments and observe tone, inflection, facial expression and body language. We must listen beyond what is spoken or visible for that which is unspoken.
Asking yourself the following questions can provide a powerful framework for “leaning in” to listen at your best:
- What could I learn by listening?
- What beliefs do I have about myself – in relation to others – that prevent me from really listening?
- What judgments have I made about others? Are they valid?
- What is it about listening that is important to me? To others? To my organization?
Practice. Try setting aside some time to listen to people who are important to you in your organization. I’d love to have you come back here and let me know what you’ve learned.
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8 Responses to “Listening Part IV: Opening Up”
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Mary Jo, Just finished reading your series of posts on listening. Outstanding insights, observations and suggestions! You’re right that listening should be required in every leadership program, but it should really start as a critical life skill taught to every student in our schools.
Your focus has been on in-person conversations, and I’d like to add a couple of thoughts about listening when on the telephone. When I really need to absorb what someone is saying, I close my eyes. That keeps me from being distracted by what’s on my desk or computer screen. It allows me to concentrate solely on their words and tone of voice. If needed, I can open my eyes to jot down an important note. Also, I’ve experienced someone trying to multi-task while they were talking with me on the phone – e.g., I could hear them type while I was talking. I simply stop and say, “I’ll wait for you to finish what you’re doing before I continue, so you can listen to what I’m saying.” I know for a scientific fact and from personal experience that they cannot give full attention to two things at the same time. If they’re doing something else, they’re missing some part of what I’m saying.
It does come down to respect and humility – recognizing that we don’t have all the answers and honoring the opinions of others. I think it’s not just ego, it’s also self-esteem. When we don’t have strong confidence in ourselves, we can be concerned about looking wrong, less intelligent, incompetent, etc. When we’re secure in who we are, we find it easier to be open to ideas that challenge our thinking because we don’t take it personally. Perhaps having an attitude of, “What can I learn from listening to this person?” would set the stage for giving full attention and respect, which would lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations – and result in stronger relationships.
Thank you for the difference you’re making in people’s lives by the words you’ve written here.
Great question, MJ, “when was the last time you felt as if you were listened to?” Made me stop and think how infrequently it actually happens. Most of us never learn how to listen in part because we are never listened to. Despite all the strong encouragement about the value of listening, I think it is still a very rare skill. Bret
Meredith, thank you for the “telephone” addition as well as all of your other wisdom here. Although I don’t close my eyes, I do turn off lights and the computer monitor in my office when I need to really listen on the phone. I also appreciate the additon of “self esteem” issues – it helps us to have a little more tolerance for poor listening if we suspect that might be the case.
Bret, its unfortunate that your response is common. I do find that when managers model listening, it can be seen more frequently throughout their organizations. It is, indeed, a rare skill – but it can be learned.
I cannot agree with you more. We must stop judging people and consciously observe their tone, facial expression and body language.
I realized the importance of listening when I was working as Manager in Call Center. You have all sorts of customers calling in. Young,old, Irate, from different Geographical locations. Add to that, the pressure of resolving the issue quickly. Understanding their tone and body language was very important because we could not see them. And this means lot of effort.
Thanks for highlighting that Mary Jo.
Mary Jo, thanks for the post and the reminder of the importance of listening. I manage in a fast-paced retail environment where multi-tasking through “conversations” is par for the course. I even recently witnessed a fellow manager coninually interrupting a colleague to take phone calls while delivering disciplinary documentation(cringe). I have begun to refuse calls and pages when having a serious conversation with a colleague or customer. I owe the other party in the conversation that much respect. I have found that this policy decreases my stress level as well, despite the fact that the would-be interrupters are occasionally miffed. Multi-tasking is counter-productive when it comes to relationship-building at work.
Samson, What great listening training you had! I never used to like using the phone, but now a large portion of my coaching work is done over the phone. I find it a phenomenal tool if you listen deeply.
Stephanie, I love your depiction of listening as giving respect to others. And your tesimonial that it reduces your stress level to turn off the distractions is something I hadn’t thought about!
Hi Mary Jo,
I agree listening takes great effort. I wish I was better at it. I think it is easy to form judgements or conculsions about the “talker,” all too quickly. IMO sometimes I do not even know why I have these opinions; maybe my previous mood is the cause. For example, carry over from another unrelated problem can create a bias which contributes to a formulation of judgement on a totaly unrelated subject.
Or if I have a negative perception of this person then it just seems like a real chore to listen him / her. As a result, I think it is easier to listen to someone for the first time or if you have a positive opinion about them.
Anyway, I must try harder to be more patient and control bias. Thanks for the article.
James, I know how hard it is, and am glad that you are making the effort. The people around you will be better for it! Thanks for sharing your struggle.