Listening Part III: Lose the Distractions!
February 22nd, 2010 | 
Author: Leaders tell me that there are things that get in the way of their ability to really listen. All of them can be remedied. We’ll start with the simplest – the physical distractions.
To be able to really listen, we must quiet our minds and focus. For many, this will mean that we need to control the distractions that will allow us to “lean in” to the conversation.
Years ago I had a manager who allowed our conversations to be pulled away by physical distractions. When we were in a conversation, and his phone rang, he picked it up. If someone came to his door with a less-than-urgent matter, he would talk it out with them while I sat idly by, feeling very small and very unnecessary. Unfortunately his habit of allowing those distractions colored my opinion of him in a very unfavorable way (and I wasn’t self aware or courageous enough in my youth to have a dialog with him about his rude behavior), prolonged our conversations, and made me feel unappreciated. For the record, his rude behavior was a significant reason for my leaving that position.
If I had been more confident, I would have respectfully asked him if he could have his administrative assistant take the incoming calls and ask people who came to his door to return later. In our world of increasing distractions, it takes an intention to focus on the conversation and a willingness to eliminate distractions so we can do our best at truly listening. Your ability to be able to “lean in” to show you value the other person will be enhanced by doing the following:
1. Forward the office phone to someone else or to voice mail to reduce the interruption it causes by hearing it ring. (P.S. if you are listening 1:1 on the phone, take it off “speaker” mode, for goodness’ sake. If you want to be hands free on your office phone, buy a headset).
2. Turn off the cell phone and put it out of reach so you aren’t tempted to look at incoming messages
3. Turn off alerts on your office computer because, like your phones, even the sound they make can distract you from listening
4. Close your door (if you have one) or ask to meet later when people with non-urgent interruptions stop by when you are in a conversation
5. Come out from behind your desk and sit at a conference table, if you have one which eliminates a barrier to good listening
6. Face the person you are listening to and lean forward into the conversation
7. Shut up and be strategic about offering your opinion. Consider that the most important thing for you to do right now is to listen.
Most of these solutions are all relatively easy and most are mechanical in nature – if we are intentional. The solution that seems to be the biggest hurdle is #7; the internal distraction which has to do with the value we place on what others have to say (or not). Stay tuned for the next post which will address that tougher issue.
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16 Responses to “Listening Part III: Lose the Distractions!”
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This is great stuff, MJ. Love the part about getting out from behind your power symbol, your desk. How do you feel about taking a pad of paper with you so that you could take notes if necessary? Do you think that signals listening or is more of a distraction? Thanks!
Bret, great question and one I’m not sure I can answer well, except from my own experience and opinion.
When I am listening to a client, I personally find it best for me to refrain from taking notes. I can’t seem to write well and listen well at the same time. Listening is the overriding priority on behalf of my clients; it’s what they need most.
It seems to me that the note-taking might be more for my benefit. The listening is for theirs. If I felt I had to take a note to remember something, I might ask if that’s okay with the person I’m listening to.
Thank you, MJ for your insight. I loved ” Shut up and be strategic about offering your opinion” I can tell that I will benefit from you posts! Kris
The behavior of leaders and others today in the age of instant information stands in the way of listening and is simply rude. I think the steps you outline to “lean in” and listen are excellant ways to discipline yourself and force you to listen. While step 7 is the hardest hurdle, I think step 4 is important. Dedicating time on your calendar not only shows your committment, it helps you to ignore the distractions and manage your time better.
My experience on note taking, is positive. If someone jots down notes on the discussion, they remember more clearly what was said and what to follow up on.
“To be able to really listen, we must quiet our minds and focus.”
When a new manager gets hired, they should be given this post! I have tried to converse with a distracted manager many times, a few times, even while being interviewed!
Being able to “respectfully” ask our leaders for focused-time, while unfortunate, becomes an opportunity to lead our managers towards awareness of (1) what we need and (2) what they can do to show us they care. What has worked for me is asking for focused time and explaining why I need it to be focused.
Learning how to “Shut up” is hard when we are taught to speak up, I look forward to the next post.
Wonderful insights and examples, Mary Jo!
Mary Jo,
I find this article to ring true in my company. The office culture at my work makes it a norm and I find it very distracting at moments. When I first started working, I was a little bewildered because people viewed the behavior as ok. Even when we have our weekly meetings in the conference room they are still filled with interuptions from cell phone calls to random people stopping by. Being a staff employee I was not sure if I was to be ok with this and just fit the norm or if I should break the norm. Its great to have some back up and know that my thinking is not crazy!
How do you suggest asking a manager or boss in a non- confrontational, nonjudgmental way to minimize the distractions? I feel as though most people would take such a request as a personal attack.
KLB
#5… One of the most useful tool in my office is a couch. Sitting behind the desk put me at an uneven level with the speaker. Sitting at the couch signals a casual setting, which makes the speaker feels at ease and be more candid.
I found taking notes at the couch is inconvenient, also defeats the casual setting. However, when I’m behind a table or desk, I feel taking notes signify I’m paying attention to what is discussed.
Mary Jo,
I have noticed at companies that many managers use their blackberries a whole lot in meetings while someone is talking. They then have nothing to contribute because they didn’t hear anything that anyone said….but sometimes they just want to finish answering all their emails. To me there is no reason to be at the meeting if you gain nothing. Seems like wasted time.
Kris, thanks!
Liza, Isn’t it funny how something as simple as scheduling time to listen isn’t something we might think of? I agree with the note taking, but feel its also easy to miss things in the listening when doing so. Listening isn’t just about the words.
Sonia, I love your suggestion to ask for focused time and explain why it needs to be so.
Kelsey, perhaps you’ll take the lead and address this rude and ineffective behavior with those around you? Respectfully, of course!
Karla, see Sonia’s reply. If not you, who?
Kevin, I don’t know. I’m still not completely convinced about the note taking thing. Good listening depends on so many more things than words….. Perhaps it depends on the intensity of discussion (i.e., for the more intensive ones lose the note taking!)?
Eric, I agree. And using a Blackberry at a meeting is also rude and distracting to the other meeting participants!
Great points to consider Mary Jo. I have been both a victim and a culprit of bad listening during conversations with my superior as well as peers. Your points are very valid and something I’ll definitely have to consider. I have a bad habit of picking up a phone call in the middle of a hallway conversation.
A comment on the note taking, it would appear to me that if you really focus on the listening part, a lot of the note taking wouldn’t be needed immediately. A practice I have used in the past is taking notes immediately after the meeting so that the material is fresh in your mind.
Yung,
What do you think the net result to the other person is when you pick up your phone in the hallway conversation? To you?
Great comment on the note taking, and good suggestion. Thanks for offering it.
One thinkg I have tried is to avoid an instant response to someone I am listening to.
I find that taking a short pause after someone stops talking before I try to reply/respond or restate what I think I heard often results in them taking the conversation to a new level.
Just a simple nodding of the head while I think an extra 5 or 10 seconds about what I just heard can encourage the person to share what may really be at the heart of an issue. It takes some restraint because human nature causes us to want to dive in and share what WE are thinking, but I think that action says “I am listening. I am considering what you said, your thoughts are important.”
Great and simple advice. Especially in today’s world when there are so many distractions. As well if you were in the follower’s shoes, you would see distractions as not caring or not willing to listen. Active listening can not be accomplished with distractions. Great post!
Andrea, what great advice. Thank you.
Dale, there is probably a reason why I might feel someone who is distracted when I am talking is not caring. I would be thinking that what I have to say is not their priority!
Good points, distractions such as phone calls will most likely make the other person feel unimportant or that they’re not a priority! It also doesn’t give a good impression of myself as a net result of this.