Increasing and Showing Empathy
November 11th, 2009 | 
Author: Empathy is an important trait for leaders to have, important enough that it is one of the competencies on the LEA 360, the survey that I use. It was one of the things that drew me to becoming certified in this survey. Empathy is dismissed in the work world, but is key for leaders be able to have and express. In fact, a recent Towers Perrin survey of 90,000 worldwide employees featured and summarized by my friend Steve Roesler, showed that the #1 thing that employees want at work is to believe that senior managerment cares about them.
Leaders may find empathy to be one of the most difficult competencies to increase, and I have had my share of clients who could use a little (or more) dose of empathy. These leaders are often the ones who have hit a brick wall with their leadership – they know how to get the work done, but they are pushing too hard uphill. Often technically brilliant, some of them have been able to thrive by being visionary, goal oriented, loyal, and driven. But at some point in their career,a lack of empathy (and often other interpersonal skills) catches up to them.
I like what the resource guide for the LEA 360 has to say about some of the ways to increase empathy:
- Draw on your own past experiences. We all use empathy in different parts of our life. Learning to transfer this empathy to your work setting may help.
- Make it personal. Put yourself in other’s shoes and show an active – and real – concern, while rising above your private agenda and entering their world.
- Volunteer. Find an activity where you can volunteer to work with those in need.
- Show up and chat with the people in your organization – especially if you are a senior leader, and they are several levels below your level in the organization.
- Understand the pressure and emotional risks people in your organization face every day (i.e., salespeople getting the door slammed in their faces). Provide them with support.
- Ask people how they want to be supported.
And one of my own: some of my clients have found that deep listening (the “Level III” kind: listening beyond the words, intuiting, observing body language and emotions) can really help to increase understanding and empathy.
What has worked for you?
Posted in relationships
12 Responses to “Increasing and Showing Empathy”
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Mary Jo,
I agree that we are missing empathy in our leaders. We get so busy and goal-oriented that we just don’t want to bother with the others’ problems. I have found myself caught in this trap. It takes much effort to stop and begin to empathize when you pick up on signs that your constituent is struggling. I have to separate myself from the stresses of the day and zone in on that person as if there is no one else in the world. This has been extremely important in developing trust and motivating my staff.
Dallas
Mary Jo – Spot on – empathy is such a critical component of effective leadership. Watching movies is another way to practice. I ask clients to pay attention to their reactions as key characters face challenges, stop the film and record the signs that a particular emotion was coming up. Emotions often show up in the body first and so often pass by us unnoticed. By slowing down the process, we can learn to pay attention to, read and use the signals when they come up in real life.
Regards,
Anne Perschel
Leadership & Business Psychologist
Great post,
I think that one of the best ways to increase your personal empathy is by actually getting down and dirty with them. The best way to do this is by exposing yourself to what they have been exposed to and you can say u have “been there, done that.” There is no better way to relate to someone than by having gone through the same situation yourself.
Nick
I have noticed that working under a leader that empathizes, or at least can empathize with you, can be very beneficial. Especially within a larger organization, it is hard to find, and even more scarce among upper level management. Having that connection with your employees can certainly build stronger relationships. In the past, I have mostly used the ‘making it personal’ method of empathizing with people but unless you can relate, its difficult to do this. That is when the interpersonal communication skills come in. Thanks for the valuable insight!
-Tony
Great post. Empathy is key to being a good leader. I try to remember that “but for the grace of God, go I”, you know?
If the tables were turned, I could be working for one of my team members. How would I want to be treated then?
MJ,
Like the list. Sometimes folks can’t inherently feel what to do, but can follow what to do.
Dallas, it’s great that you’ve seen the advantage in stopping and empathizing!
Anne, great suggestion – thanks!
Nick, “getting down and dirty” is certainly a good way to empathize and can be done in various ways – like volunteering, or watching movies, as Anne has suggested. Thanks!
Tony, I’m curious…. what makes you believe that empathy is more scarce in upper management? What might cause that?
Bob, great idea to consider “how would I want to be treated?” Even better might be to consider “How do they want to be treated” (called the Platinum Rule).
Steve, your comment brings to mind a favorite client who said he developed empathy by learning to listen better. In a way, I think that might be considered “following what to do”.
Great post, Mary Jo! I really like the points mentioned above as ways to increase empathy. Personally, I’ve found it helpful to not be judgmental or criticizing when practicing empathy. It’s important to really hear beyond what the person is saying. On the other hand, I’ve also found that, sometimes, the trouble with becoming TOO empathethic is the tendency to take on responsibilities that isn’t our own. Sometimes, a person who is going through a problem doesn’t necessarily want someone who can find solutions for them. They simply want someone who can listen and understand what they are going through.
Great post. Some of us are indeed less gifted than others with empathy. Even those that are can sometimes get caught up in a high-profile or fast-paced project and inadvertently step on others’ toes. The fact of the matter is, many (and likely most) people respond best to someone that understands – and cares about – their point of view. The ability to genuinely put yourself in someone else’s shoes is paramount. People have an innate ability to smell bullsh*t.
As someone once told me, and for all the technically-based leaders out there that are more concerned with facts than feelings (guilty too often of this myself), “It’s all in the setup.” READ: Have a personal approach to things; real people come up with those numbers you value so much.
Thanks again for reminding us of a basic value. Caring about people is the first requirement of empathy. People can see a fraud and it’s very difficult to fake caring behavior. My personal goal is to truly care about the people around me so that empath becomes second nature. Brett Simmons has a great related post: http://www.bretlsimmons.com/2009-11/leadership-there-is-no-substitute-for-caring.
This is a wonderful post, Mary Jo about an area that doesn’t get talked about much.
When I work with supervisors I find that some folks really don’t have much empathy, while others have it but don’t express it in ways that their team members understand. One tactic that’s worked for the later group is to have them identify a topic that they are interested in an share with every team member. That opens the possibility for conversations that aren’t just concerned with business issues. Lots of good things can happen after that.
Cirel, I think your comment about not being judgmental is right on, particularly when it comes to people’s beliefs. Beliefs are beliefs, and we can’t change those, nor should we judge them.
Jonathan and Loren, I was waiting for someone to comment on “faking it” – well done. Empathy must be genuine, and I DO think its possible to learn to be empathic. I’ve seen the change in some clients. My concern is always whether they can maintain empathy when its not their second nature, and in a business environment where it may not be favored.
Wally, I like the technique. I have used MBTI in a similar way – to start the conversations about each other’s preferences, and how they express them in a non-threatening way can really get some conversations going that are personal and that many don’t have in everyday work life.