Last week a contractor came to the house to estimate some work we need done at our home. I’d never met him before, and frankly, felt very frustrated during and after the meeting. Why? Because he talked too much, and now I want to avoid contact with him in the future.
Despite my direct attempts to remind him that we needed to get back to my questions about the work and frequent statements that I needed to get back to my own work, most of the two hours (which should have been 30 minutes) was spent listening to him talk about himself. The funny thing is that one of the last things he said to me when he left the house was that he enjoyed the conversation (p.s. I thought conversations were two-way).
What does this have to do with you? This contractor reminded me of some leaders I’ve known over the years who talk too much and rarely ask questions of the other person(s) in the conversation. Even when they make attempts to include others, they may not listen to the responses.
Like fish in the sea, we swim in words, forgetting that it takes two to have a real conversation.
Leaders, if you really want to stand out, the two most important things you can do is to find ways to include others in dialog and to listen to their answers. We’re all capable of being self – aware. Notice when you are talking too much and pull back into inquiry and listening mode to watch your effectiveness increase.
It’s okay to be a little personal: Work is always more pleasant when we know a little bit about the people around us. You don’t have to shy away from light personal questions like “How was your weekend?” or “What are your hobbies?”. I know it’s easier to talk about ourselves than to find the right question to ask, but you can learn. Have few questions like these in your hip pocket that you can pull out when the time is right.
Be quiet and listen: I mean really listen. Be aware of your impatience to talk about yourself. You might be tempted to relate what you heard to something about you or your experience. Don’t. Instead, enjoy listening and learning a bit more about the other person(s) in the conversation.
Care: Care enough about others to remember what they said and follow up on the conversation at some point (take down some notes if that helps). They’ll think you’re brilliant when you ask them another question about their hobby or their weekend at a later point.
Everybody’s talking, but very few are listening. Look for your chance to listen and to be the leader who stands out in a sea of words. It will make a difference in your relationships and your leadership.
One of the things I teach in my improvisational classes is to be in the present moment. Pay attention to not only what is being said, but what isn’t being said (body language). It’s such a rare gift to really listen to someone.
And having a real interaction is about give and take. I agree with you–what a bore when someone just talks and talks. I avoid them like the plague!
Jane, when I teach managers to coach, I also teach them to listen to what is said and not said. Funny that we have to learn that, when in actuality, it should be natural. Thanks for stopping by.