Help Them to Think
December 20th, 2010 | 
Author: I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we can help others too much. It seems odd that this is so, because “helping” is something that is valued in our society. However, I’ve come to appreciate that when a leader becomes too helpful, his strength in being supportive of others can become a weakness.
I see overly helpful behaviors exhibited by leaders every day. I often recognize it in the manager who is working 80-hour weeks with no end in sight. He’s harried, stressed, and run down. His neck and shoulders may be physically sore from the burden he carries; he’s worn out and doesn’t see how he can continue at this pace. When I ask what he can stop doing, give away, or prioritize to the bottom of his to-do list, he says, “nothing”.
Solving problems feels good (but is it really being helpful?)
Consider this scenario. This helpful but over-burdened manager is sitting in his office. Someone walks in with a problem; they describe the issue. This manager thinks a bit and then tells them what they can do to fix the problem. The person who came in walks away, satisfied – for now. The manager feels good because they have “helped”. But have they really?
That person with the problem keeps coming back with problems to be solved. The helpful manager has dozens of people in his organization, many of whom come back to him day after day to ask for his help. He thinks he’s doing them a service, but he’s really only made them dependent on him. They are addicted to his help, no less than a junkie is addicted to his drug of choice. The people in his organization need their weekly (or daily, or hourly) fix because they haven’t learned to function without it.
How to really help
The truth is that this manager can help others solve their own problems by simply helping them to think for themselves. And by helping them in this way, he will ease his own burden too.
He can help them to think for themselves by listening; by being fully available and present for those who ask for his help; by asking some questions that will help them think, like “What would you like to accomplish?” and “What are your thoughts about that?” and “What are you willing to try?”.
The single most important way he can help is by believing that that people are capable of thinking for themselves in order to come up with the perfect solutions for the problems they are dealing with.
Through his listening, presence, questions, and belief in them, he will watch them grow, flourish and become fully capable of doing amazing things. He will stop feeding their addiction and rejoice that they can do the great work they’ve been capable of all along.
And then, he will thrive. He will truly lead, as he should; because he’s helping them to think.
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8 Responses to “Help Them to Think”
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Mary Jo,
I used a story telling technique throughout my entire career that parallels your thoughts very much. When presented with a problem, whether it be by an individual employee or the entire staff, I would simply say: “Let me tell you a story.” Reciting a comparable situation from my past and discussing the whys, wherefores, and who-done-its; I would pull from them the answers they required of me. The technique always worked and at the same time improved their problem solving capabilities. They came up with the answers and incidentally figured out that their situation was not all that bad – it could have been much worse.
Howard
Mary Jo,
You nailed it!
In my opinion sincere, caring leaders/managers may tend to help too quickly rather than letting others think for themselves.
Initially, jumping in may quickly solve a problem. However, it’s a short-sighted approach. Better to develop and enable others to think for themselves.
Cheers,
DAn
Hi Howard, I do see the value in stories. I really do. However, my tendency is to encourage leaders to learn to ask, not tell. This helps people to do their own thinking, and when they do that, they learn.
So many leaders love to talk about themselves, to let everyone know what they know or what they’ve done. This is the easy way out that doesn’t help others to think on their own over the long haul.
Part of my point here is to ask and allow others to come up with their own knowledge and answers. The solution is there, and all it needs to surface is a great question and a good listener. Pure simplicity, although quite difficult for most of us to do in our organizations that reward answers.
Dan, I always love it when someone sums up my 500 word post in a succinct way. Thanks for that!
I have to say that as I was reading your post, I was internally pondering how I help people solve their problems. I am not in a leadership position, but I do get asked many questions and my insights into how problems could be solved. I like to think that I am generally showing them how to solve those problems themselves, but in an environment where we are constantly put into new situations requiring completely different approaches to the problems to be solved, it’s difficult to know if I’m being overly helpful and creating dependency, or actually helping them help themselves each time.
Thank you for reminding me to think about how I respond to those questions to prevent dependent relationships!
Christian, you’ve made my day if I helped you to think
. Thanks for stopping over to let us know that!
Another great post, Mary Jo. When I read it, two things come to mind. One is that “over-helping” can also be about control. Sometimes, letting go, even just a little, can be hard if we don’t really trust that “whatever it is” will get done. So, instead we put in 18 hours a day and choose to believe there is no other option. The second thought was that old one about monkeys (a.k.a. problems), you know, the ones that folks bring to us to solve. We take them, and pretty soon our backs are sore from the weight of all the monkeys while those who come to us with them, go away again feeling mightily relieved.
With this in mind I couldn’t agree more that people who really want to help would do so much better by learning to ask the right questions, questions that will lead others to a solution. It’s so much more satisfying for both parties that way.
Hi Mary Jo –
I genuinely enjoyed this post. As a self described “type A” personality with a big heart I have spent a lot of time “helping” others because I felt that I 1) had the ability to help and 2) had a social obligation as a “good” person. Not only did this effect my professional life, but also my relationship with my younger sister. When I finally realized that letting her figure things out for herself was a much greater help to her, and was then able to apply my new-found knowledge professionally, I realized that I was actually doing more and was much happier! Thank you for sharing so others don’t have to learn the hard way like I did!
Mackenzie, thanks for being a real examaple of how well this can work. More success to you in 2011!