Hello, I'm Here to Change You
July 9th, 2009 | 
Author: Helpful suggestions from others about what we should do to change our behavior aren`t always, well, helpful. This is especially true when they come to us unsolicited.
Many leaders have a compulsion to let people know what they are doing wrong and how they need to change to do things “right.” It is this striving to change others that gives performance evaluation a bad rap. Just the word “evaluation” shifts our anxiety into overdrive. Most of us don`t want to be evaluated; we prefer that a leader assist us with our own development.
As a leader, you may have found that telling others what they need to do to change doesn`t seem to generate loyal followers. In fact, when this unsolicited helpfulness becomes a regular habit, you might find people running the other way when they see you.
Okay, so your intentions are pure. You want to be helpful to someone, a good performer, who needs a little guidance. But intention is only part of the equation, and you may actually be weakening their ability to change themselves. Owning the power to change ourselves is much more energizing than having someone else try to change us. In fact, telling someone to change their behavior can be perceived as a threat and it shuts down their motivation to change. This leaves all kinds of human potential on the table.
So what`s a leader to do? Try coaching instead. Learning coaching skills has become a regular requirement for management in organizations. This skill set provides a means to catalyze individual development, including personal ownership of professional change.
Like many things in leadership, coaching skills are relatively simple. They are, however, often difficult to put into practice.
When I ask my clients if they know how to tell people what to do, they nod their heads enthusiastically, proud of the fact that they`ve mastered this skill. I admit this is a trick question. I know that many leaders haven`t mastered the skills of asking great questions and really listening.
Asking and listening are at the heart of coaching others. When these skills are first practiced, you may be surprised at how difficult they are, yet how effective they can be.
Asking and listening tools must be a part of your toolbox if you expect your followers to become whole, independent, empowered and incredibly effective. A great question, when asked strategically, can provide the fuel for enormous change within an individual. Great listening allows a follower to “think out loud” and it is a sign that you care (reminiscent of the saying, “People don`t care how much you know until you show how much you care”).
The days of telling people what to do are coming to an end. Leaders are discovering that they can`t change others; they can only change their approach to them. When you learn to listen and ask, you may find your frustrations with striving to change others have also come to an end.
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3 Responses to “Hello, I'm Here to Change You”
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Excellent post, Mary Jo. Leaders need to always consider if their behavior towards others is creating dependence or independence in the relationship. Leaders should strive to creat independent and interdependent relationships with all their constituents. Great thoughts. Thanks.
Hi MJ,
Another great post. But some questions: are you suggesting that listening and asking should be a part of the evaluation process? It makes sense to me for managers to shift their style and incorporate coaching, but what happens when there is an issue that needs to be addressed directly? I am assuming that your thought is that once a great coaching relationship is established, one in which a person feels listened to and cared about, THEN a manager will have more freedom to address issues directly… in small doses. Am I on the right track?
Bret- Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I like the idea of coaching as a way for leaders creating independence in others. I call it "giving the monkey back". It really becomes a way, over the long run, to make their job easier!
Becky – An "evaluation" should include some listening and asking! Most employees know what they've done and how well they've done it, which is a great way to start that conversation (and in many organizations, the employee completes the written evaluation themselves, in draft, before the performance evaluation conversation". By asking questions and listening, the leader allows the employee to "own" their own performance evaluation, including what they've done well and where they need to improve.
If indeed, "feedback" on areas of poor performance needs to be provided, that is a different style altogether.
So yes, you are on the right track. There is no black and white here; it is important for a leader to learn and know when to coach and when to evaluate and when to provide feedback – and how much of each.
When employees feel listened to, supported and valued, delivering less than great news about their performance is much easier. And employees are more willing to accept and own such feedback. Hope this answered your questions.