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I’m a fan of healthy workplaces that appreciate that we are all human and rich emotional lives come with our humanity – so why not let our emotions show? Yet for a leader, showing your anger in a way that tears others down can be destructive to your attempts to build a solid team and other workplace relationships that are open and honest.

One leader I know wondered why her team wasn’t responding to her attempts to get them involved in conversations around strategic decisions. She also noticed that her team rarely came into her office with problems to talk through. She saw this as a good sign that they were smart and capable of taking care of things themselves.

She was pleased to have such a skilled team… until something really big happened involving one of her managers that should have required an early intervention on her part. Her manager heard about it before she did. And then she was fired.

On later reflection, she realized that her previous approach of “shooting the messenger” of bad news by getting angry didn’t serve her or the organization well; it kept people from being involved and from telling her things she needed to know.

I know how destructive a show of anger can be in the workplace and together with some very smart clients, I’ve learned some ways to help them recognize and deal with their anger before it becomes destructive. This is one method that often works well:

Learn your anger triggers: What causes you to “go off”? Think about the times that your anger has taken you over; can you recognize some common themes that indicate what your anger triggers are? For some leaders, it might be finding out about an important problem later than they’d like. For others it might be a missed due date or a broken commitment. If you recognize your triggers, you can move on to the next step.

Learn your bodily reaction to triggers: When you get triggered, your anger has to start somewhere. Many people, if they pay attention, can feel it in their body. Some feel a tightening in their chest, or notice tension in their hands, shoulders, stomach, or throat. The next time you get triggered to anger, notice where you feel that impulse. Once you notice, you may be able to learn to start to calm yourself.

Count to ten or take a deep breath: Both of these will work to slow down the impulse to act irrationally. Do you really want to lash out? Pausing and replacing the impulse to act in a way that might be destructive will give you time to think of a response that might be less damaging – even if it means “let me think about what you just said/did and get back to you when we can sit down and talk about it rationally”.

Anger is what they call a secondary emotion. A show of anger is often the ego trying to cover up feelings of fear – of inadequacies, insecurities – in ourselves. Understanding what’s really behind your fear might help you curb your impulse over the long haul.

How have you been able to tame your anger?

We hear a lot about how we need to get rid of meetings in our organizations. I would argue that we need to get rid of poorly planned and executed meetings. We still need good meetings; they are a way for everyone to be involved and engaged in dialog with each other.

We need more of the kind of meetings where people get together with everyone’s best interests in mind and with the intention of serving the greater good of the organization. These are the kind of meetings where people connect on a deeper level while listening for understanding with a willingness to be personally changed. These meetings are where healthy, respectful conflict is considered a good thing and elephants get surfaced.

When was the last time you attended or facilitated a meeting like that? If you are like most organizational leaders, I imagine they are few and far between.

What if you got rid of all the lame, boring, one-way meetings where someone stands at the front of the room and tells us what we think we need to do and how we need to do it, and instead replaced them with the kind of meetings where:

People actually listen to each other. There aren’t laptops and cellphones on the table because its been mutually decided that these hinder the ability to really listen. These meetings are much too interesting for participants to be distracted by technology anyway. There are spaces between the words that allow a pin to drop; these spaces mean that people are actually thinking; not about how they’ll defend their ideas, but instead about how to understand others’ stance. They’ll speak when it makes sense to do so.

Provocative, open ended questions are asked often to further the dialog. Questions are the fuel of new ideas, and everyone loves to get sparked by great open-ended questions. When it’s time for deeper thinking, everyone at the meeting feels comfortable asking them. There is no concern on their part that they don’t know the answers or that they’ll be labeled as “not smart enough” – but they can’t wait to hear what creative thinking they ignite and the mutual understanding they catalyze.

The unsaid gets surfaced without consequences. Most people at the meeting know where the unsaid is hidden; none of them will hold back on coaxing it out in the conversation because that’s how the team pulls together and creates a safe platform for moving ahead. There is praise and thanks for the person putting the unsaid on the table. The dialog around the table is now lively and the unresolved gets resolved.

Conflicting opinions are welcomed. Those who don’t agree speak up with their opposition. Instead of head shaking and eye rolling, the others in the room want to know more. They really desire to understand the conflict and are willing to spend some time on it because they know that it might impact their project, customer, or organization. They listen and ask more questions. They thank the person for bringing their opinion into the dialog. Resolution occurs through this dialog.

Now this is the kind of meeting anyone could get excited about. We need more meetings like this in our organizations. What other qualities of good meetings make them compelling to you?

Every Thursday, we provide you with a thoughtful way to coach yourself – something all leaders need to do. So take five, enjoy the quote and reflect on the questions that follow. Your comments and answers to the questions are always welcome!

“Those who inspire trust and demonstrate a true understanding of others’ concerns and aspirations are the people who are lifted up for leadership.” ~Ken Blanchard and Scott Blanchard

• Are you inspiring trust? How is it that you know?
  
• Is your leadership based on the needs of your followers?
  
• How can you understand others’ concerns and aspirations to a degree that you lift them up while being lifted up yourself?
  

Some of the organizations I work in are boisterous, with a penchant for good, raucous, energetic debate. This noisy culture challenges even the most outgoing leaders to have their voices heard, but leaders who are naturally quiet in demeanor might struggle even more. Additionally, their quiet nature might cause assumptions by others that:

They lack confidence to lead effectively: There can be an assumption that if people aren’t speaking up and entering the (lively) conversation, they lack confidence to be a leader. Further, it might be reasoned that if they lack confidence, they cannot be an effective leader.

They don’t know their stuff: If people aren’t speaking up at meetings, others might make the assumption that they haven’t prepared or don’t know their stuff.

They aren’t aggressive enough: Really? Is aggressiveness always necessary in your organization?

If you’ve made any of these assumptions about quiet employees, test it. Get to know them more by asking the reason they don’t speak up. You might be surprised to learn that they are staying quiet for good reason.

In any event, there are good reasons to explore your assumptions through conversation with them before you reject quiet employees as unworthy of leading others. They might be:

Thoughtful: Quiet people might think things through in a more thorough way than others before acting or speaking up. It might be their preferred mode of making decisions. It’s important to have these thoughtful thinkers in our organizations; they might help us to make better decisions through their reflective approach.

Respectful: Consider that when people are holding back on putting in their two cents, it might be for good reason. It might show that they respect others, not wanting to cut them off in conversation. Respect is a leadership trait that any organization could use.

Listeners: It could be that those quiet ones are great listeners. Better listening is something most outgoing leaders could do more. I’m willing to bet that many business mistakes are because of a lack of listening on the part of leadership. Besides, if talkers didn’t have someone to listen to them, where would they be?

Good with smaller venues: Many organizations could use fewer large meetings; they often are inefficient. It’s possible that quiet people on your staff are more effective at working with others outside the meeting venue, in small or one-on-one meetings. This is a great way to work that can sometimes be more effective than the usual mega-meetings.

In the end, we need all kinds of people in leadership. Don’t overlook those who are quieter than the rest. Get to know them, understand their strengths and determine whether your assumptions are correct. You might be pleasantly surprised at what the quiet can do for your organization when they are encouraged to lead.

Published with permission from SmartBlogs from SmartBrief .

When you become a better human being, you become a better leader too.

I remember distinctly my first reaction to learning that all of my hard work on becoming a better human (and therefore a better leader) wouldn’t result in reaching a particular end goal. I’d thought there was a time of arrival when I couldn’t possibly do any more or get any better. In that moment, I was caught off guard when my mentor gently told me to prepare for a lifelong journey. A particular finality or a destination just wouldn’t happen. It’s safe to say that as someone who was driven toward reaching goals, I was disappointed.

I’ve learned a lot since then, and am grateful to a mentor who actually pointed out the obvious. I’ve learned to enjoy the journey while I simultaneously assist leaders to do the same.

You have not arrived at a destination, nor should you, ever. You should always be working toward “the next version of yourself” (credit for this phrase goes to a wise leader I’ve had the pleasure to know who is working to assist his team members on their journey). As you become a better human, you will also become a better leader. It’s that simple – and that difficult. Some thoughts on how to start and sustain your journey:

Be open to new experiences and people who aren’t like you. This is one way you’ll learn. Some of the most wonderful opening experiences include getting to know quirky people who think or act differently than you do. Listen to them and work to understand their thinking. What learning do they offer for your own growth and development?

Be aware of yourself. Observe your behavior in real time. Listen to and consider the feedback you’ve received on what you can improve. Begin to formulate your “next version of me” plan.

Notice others’ reactions to your behaviors. We all have blind spots, and watching someone else’s reaction to us is a great beginning to understanding how we’re perceived. If someone reacts (whether negatively or in a positive way) – ask them what you did or said to cause them to react in the way they did.

Pick something you’d like to improve about yourself; just one (big) thing (at a time). What behaviors do you want to incorporate more of to improve this particular characteristic in your leadership?

Get help figuring out how to start working on those behaviors. Hiring a coach or seeking a mentor may assist you, but you also have a rich source of people willing to help all around you. Marshall Goldsmith’s Feedforward process is a great way to begin.

Stay on track with your plan. Telling others what you’re working on is a good way to stay accountable. You may also want to partner with someone who will meet with you regularly to hold you accountable, ask the tough questions, and support your journey.

Once you’ve created a habit of your new behavior, start working on the next thing. Your life, and your leadership, will benefit from your continual work on the next version of yourself.

P.S. Make sure you stop over at the Great Leadership May 2012 Leadership Development Carnival hosted by the ever-wonderful Dan McCarthy. There is lots to learn here, including a post by yours truly.  Some of the best, most dedicated bloggers in the leadership development arena can’t wait to share their ideas with you, all collected in one place!

Every Thursday, we provide you with a thoughtful way to coach yourself – something all leaders need to do. So take five, enjoy the quote and reflect on the questions that follow. Your comments and answers to the questions are always welcome!

If you want to be a leader….

stop trying to control.

let go of fixed plans and concepts,

And the world will govern itself.

The more prohibitions you have,

the less virtuous people will be.

The more weapons you have,

the less secure people will be.

The more subsidies you have,

the less self-reliant people will be.

Therefore the Master says:

I let go of the law,

and people become honest.

I let go of economics,

and people become prosperous.

I let go of religion,

and people become serene.

I let go of all desire for the common good,

and the good becomes common as grass.

~ from the Tao Te Ching, 600 B.C. China
As translated by Stephen Mitchell

• What is it that you are clinging so tightly to?
  
• Recall what it means to have a sense of freedom. How might you help your followers experience freedom?

When I ask others what they think a leader is, they have lots of different responses. However, there is one that always inspires me: “A leader is someone I can believe in”. When we believe in a leader, it shows they are doing something – or a lot of “somethings” – right.

What behaviors do they exhibit that cause us to believe? Here are a few I’ve heard:

Count on them to do what they say they will. If anyone else has gone before them and done it, they know can do it. They may even be able to forge new paths, and do something nobody before them has done. No matter what, they will do it, and we can count on them.

Accept others. They see themselves as equal to those they lead, without the trappings of power that they could bring to their leadership. They recognize the humanity in those they lead, and are willing to accept them and work with them as they are.

Build others up. They see possibility in others, even when they make mistakes. They are willing to forgive those transgressions and look beyond what happened to seeing what can be. They make us aware of our strengths and help us to feel confident.

Trust others to get it done. They have clear lines of authority and trust others to get the things done that have been mutually agreed upon. They don’t micromanage, but they do hold us accountable.

Work hard at getting even better. Even if they have received accolades, are told that they are “the best of the best” and have had great success, they know their weaknesses. Even when they work hard at eliminating them, they know there is always more work to do to become a better person and a better leader. They demonstrate continuous learning and development with humility.

Give their all for the greater good. They believe in what they do, and they work hard at it, sometimes giving themselves up in the process (that’s for discussion at another time). They are able to go beyond what they see now in order to see what’s best – for their organization, and for what lies beyond it.

Take risks others are unwilling to take. When something isn’t right, or when something just needs to be said – they are the ones to say it. If something needs to be done, they are the ones to do it when all odds are against them.

Take the right action. They reflect and then take the action they believe is best. They’ve learned that action for action’s sake is not productive. So they slow down to think, invite others to think with them, and then take action.

Attend to accomplishing objectives AND building and sustaining relationships. They know that leadership is not an “either/or” proposition. They must accomplish stated objectives as well as work to build and sustain the relationships that will help them.

What helps you to believe in the great leaders in your life?

Great leaders stretch us.

Sister Alice taught Botany and Cell Biology at Aquinas College, where I received my B.S. in Biology. She had a wonderful way about her – a positivity, curiosity, and endless desire to make sure we learned (more than Botany and Cell Biology, for sure!). She was also a surprise. Let me explain.

The campus of Aquinas College was (and still is) quite beautiful – wooded, flowered, grassed, streamed, and ponded – it has a terrain that made it the perfect place to study all things that produce chlorophyll. Sister Alice was definitely in her element with our Botany class trudging behind her as we identified plants throughout the campus. Her excitement was palpable. Her small frame hummed with intense curiosity and pleasure as she described the wonder of campus plants to us and helped us to identify them.

I figured that she was too sweet natured to teach a class that would be difficult to pass. Despite the warnings from upper classmen who went before me that I shouldn’t be fooled by her kind, inquisitive, upbeat nature, I entered the first Botany exam with confidence.

Unbelievable. This woman packed a punch that I didn’t expect. The exam was significantly more difficult than I ever imagined. It required us to know the class material to a degree that was significantly beyond what I’d ever experienced (she actually made us think!). I had underestimated this small (powerful) woman’s ability to make Botany a living hell. I worked harder for subsequent exams and it paid off.

I must have been a glutton for punishment. I subsequently decided to take an upper level class from Sister Alice called Cell Biology. There were only three people in the class. Yes, I said three. I had learned to study for each class so that I was prepared; there was no place to hide from Sister Alice’s probing to see if we knew our stuff. I wondered what drove her to be so diligent in assuring that we learned from her classes.

The secret revealed

Fast forward to last week, decades after I’d graduated from Aquinas. I had the pleasure of sitting next to Sister Alice over lunch at an alumni event. She was as I remembered – small, spry, curious, and positive, with eyes that sparkled amusingly, as if she knew some secret to life that she wasn’t going to divulge easily.

We chatted about Aquinas, a place of fond memories as it molded and nurtured my transition to adulthood. As I spoke of my memories of Botany and Cell Biology, I recognized that she’s had an enormous positive impact on me (even as I relived the fear of her exams and the delight and surprise of doing well on them). She said she figured if she made the exams difficult, the students would feel a sense of accomplishment and confidence when they did well.

And so I did.

Great leaders stretch us. They believe we can do more than we think can do ourselves. They help us to feel confident and accomplished, qualities that can stick with us throughout our life’s journey. Thank you, Sister Alice.

Almost every leader I know will tell you that he or she places integrity at the top of personal values. Given the widespread leadership failure that led to the Great Recession — I wonder how many of those leaders had integrity as a core value? — this is an important question to ask yourself: “How can I be assured that your integrity isn’t compromised?”

This is important because, contrary to what you might think, loss of integrity is a silent leadership killer. Vigilance is key to staying “in integrity.” Erosion of this value might happen slowly over time without much notice of integrity violations by those who participate in questionable practices. Issues that Greg Smith highlighted at Goldman Sachs in his resignation letter, published in The New York Times, are an example.

Groupthink is powerful: a little unethical conduct here, a white lie there — justification is available for every integrity-compromised action. Suddenly, someone realizes something is wrong, and it’s too late; the momentum has built like a leaky faucet until a drip becomes a stream that turns into a flood, drowning employees, customers and those who trusted your leadership.

How do you make sure you don’t get caught up in unethical or immoral conduct?

• Know your values and refer to them often. Write them down and make them a visible reminder in your office. They are your foundation for staying in integrity.
  
• Trust your gut when it’s telling you something might be amiss. Ask people you trust what they think.
  
• Consider your priorities and ask what is important for you to do about a situation based on your values.

So let’s say you’ve decided there is a problem. You, or someone in your organization, is ready to act in a way that is not aligned with your sense or your organization’s sense of integrity. What are you willing to do? To stay in integrity, you must:

• Speak up with respect. If you want to stay true to your integrity, you must, no matter how difficult it might be.
  
• Observe the reaction of those involved. Are they listening to you? Or are they vehemently defending their stance?
  
• Be willing to walk away if you must. This could run the gamut from not participating in an activity that compromises your integrity to leaving your job. Yes, I said leaving your job. I know this sounds severe, but if integrity is truly an important value for you, what does it mean to stay in an organization that compromises that value? Are you staying true to your integrity by staying put?

Business is a powerful force in our world — and becoming more powerful. When you take a stand against unethical or immoral action, you make your corner of the world better. So stay vigilant to potential assault on your integrity, and take appropriate action if you must.

Published with permission from SmartBlogs from SmartBrief

As a manager, you feel responsible for the well-being of your staff. It’s good for business to assure that everyone is happily engaged, motivated, and on the road to success. You know exactly what your followers need to be satisfied and successful, and you are here to deliver it to them.

You have plenty of great ideas, and enjoy planning what is best for the people who work for you to stay motivated:

Frank is unhappy with the amount of tactical work in his position, and you are certain he needs to manage something that’s more challenging, so you have some ideas that will stretch him through participating in some large projects.

Cecelia is extremely organized, and you’ve been looking for someone to be your business manager to make sure all of the loose ends are taken care of. You just happen to have an opening and all of the new things she’ll learn will be great for her development.

Kim is a great people manager, so it’s time that she was sent through the company’s high-potential leadership development program and you are making arrangements for that.

However, when you tell these people about your great ideas for them, you sense resistance. For some reason, they aren’t as enthusiastic as you expected them to be.

There’s often a very simple reason for that: you don’t know what they want.

You haven’t had the conversations with them that will help you both to discover and plan what they need together. Instead, you’ve provided solutions that you thought they’d like and you’re disappointed in their lack of interest or follow through. This happens often because most people want the freedom to make their own decisions about their career rather than have it planned for them.

Yet they don’t always know what they want either. You’ll learn more together about what’s best for them by:

Asking them what they enjoy doing. I’ve met plenty of people who say they rarely see or speak with their manager, much less talk to them about what they most enjoy at work. If they don’t bring it up, ask them what they delight in doing. And then ask them why they enjoy doing it. These questions are a beginning to discovering what’s best for them.

Watch for their strengths and point them out. They may or may not agree with you, or they may add some things to the list of strengths that you hadn’t considered. In the end, this important dialog gets them thinking about what they are best at in order to find more ways for them to incorporate them in their work.

Ask them what they want. Maybe you haven’t done this because you don’t know how to handle the response (what if they want to move up in the organization and you believe that is not a possibility for them?). Stay calm and let the conversations about what’s best for them unfold. At some point, you may have to guide them, but right now it’s the discussion that’s important.

Don’t assume you know what others want. Instead of finding solutions for them, find solutions with them. You’ll find that they’ll be more willing to move forward with them.