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Every Thursday, I provide you with a thoughtful way to coach yourself – something all leaders need to do. So take five – enjoy the inspirational quotes or passages and reflect on the questions that follow. 

“When I dream alone, it is just a dream.

When we dream together, it is the beginning of reality.

When we work together, following our dream, it is the

creation of heaven on earth “

….. Adapted Brazilian Proverb

• What is the dream that you dream of becoming a reality?
• What does heaven on earth look for you?
• Who will you invite to dream with you?
• What first step can you take?
• When will you begin?

Leadership can be quite a journey. We have good days and bad days (and weeks, months, years). In the end, they all contribute to our learning. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all experiences that we can reflect on and learn from. Many of them “happen” quickly to us, providing us with a chance to react and do our best to change course.

Yet there are some things that we need to be intentional about improving. And one of them is us. You know, the self-development- that- forces- us- to- look- at- ourselves- and- do- things- that- will- force- us to- step- out- of- our- comfort- zone stuff.

Leaders must purposefully put themselves in a position where the discomfort of personal change (for professional and organizational good) makes them sweat. Sounds a little painful, but its one of those “it’ll be good for you” things.

We all have something we need to change about the way we behave. Some of us have lots of those. Consider the feedback you’ve received from your manager, your peers or your employees. What gives you pause?  Choose one or two big  things to work on that you are passionate about changing; don’t shy away from the tough stuff. Stretch yourself. If beads of sweat break out on your forehead, you are ready. Then: 

1. Write it down: I’m a big fan of writing out an action plan. What steps will you take? How will you know that you’ve succeeded? When do you want to achieve these goals?
2. Find a way to stay accountable: Oh, the intrusions of the ever-urgent, more important things to do. Following through is so hard. Many leaders find that a mentor or a coach can keep them on track. Many ask their staff and peers to hold them accountable. Whatever you decide, the “check in” with the people who are holding you accountable should be frequent. 
3. Take action: Take a step every day. Yes, every day. The more you “practice”, the better and faster you’ll hit your stride and form new habits (that’s when you stop sweating).
4. Get feedback: Ask those who observe you to provide specific feedback. How did you do? What can you do differently? 
5. Reflect: Post-action reflection is essential! Journal, talk with your coach or mentor, but daily reflection on the strides you make and the adjustments you still need to make is important for progress. 
6. Adjust: Make the necessary adjustments in your actions. Sometimes we “over correct” and need to pull back; sometimes we just need to step it up a notch. 
7. Do # 3, 4, 5 and 6 again: Keep it up. Keep practicing, reflecting and adjusting. You’re on your way! 
8. Celebrate your success: What will you do to celebrate? Who will you invite (hint: consider the same stakeholders whom are giving you feedback and are holding you accountable). Let me know where I can meet you – I love celebrations! 

Congratulations, you met your goals! What do you need to work on next? When will you get started?

In the fine arts, the word “value” has to do with the degree of lightness or darkness, the “luminosity” in a color. This is true for human beings too; we all emit a certain degree of luminosity to others – a value that can be interpreted in a positive or negative way.

We can notice the value in others if we stay alert. We’ve all known someone who emits a great deal of light; they are luminous. We are attracted to them. That’s the easy part.

Making the effort to notice value in those we have rejected, whom we don’t see eye to eye with, is important too.

As leaders, there is also some real worth in seeing beyond our negative judgment of others for the greater good of our organizations and communities. Instead of outright rejection of an individual, we may find value there.

Mom was wrong

My mother would say, “first impressions are lasting impressions” – meaning that a first impression of someone can’t be changed (and an implied caution that I better be careful to make a good first impression on others!). Sorry mom – you were wrong.

It is possible to change your first (or second) impression if you are willing. We all judge some people harshly.  If we are intentional, we can learn to give up those negative first impressions to discover what is valuable.

These negative judgments are particularly harmful when they apply to the people we lead:

that colleague down the hall who is always whining about something;

the employee who just “doesn’t get it”;

the person whom we just can’t see eye to eye with philosophically.

In all of these cases, even if we don’t realize it, we are snuffing out a person’s luminosity and devaluing them to the detriment of our organization.

Seeing beyond the negative

Stop and think about those negative impressions. Are they true, or just an opinion – something that you see through your own lens? Have a dialog with the person, listen, and ask, “What can I value here?”.

What new beliefs are you willing to be open to?

You might be surprised if you are open. And you might find some lightness shining through.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

• What questions, if answered, will release your full leadership potential?
• What questions, if answered, will release the full potential of your employees?
• What keeps you from asking?
• What compels you to ask?
• What questions will you let simmer?

Ruth Shaw was the first woman to head a U.S. power company (Duke Energy). Equipped with a Ph.D. and a successful career in higher education, she had served as an executive in various positions at Duke. When she was chosen for the top position, she was surprised. She didn’t have technical knowledge in engineering, marketing or operations. The board chairman told her that the company already had specialists; that she was chosen to be the CEO to connect the dots. Connecting the dots is very much about having, and using, one’s intuition.

My own lifetime of connecting dots

Early in my corporate career, I set out to learn as much as I could about the large organization of which I was a part. Since I began as a bench scientist, learning more about the bigger organization meant that I needed to take control of my own learning and seek out positions in business areas that would help me learn as much as I could in the shortest time possible.

At one point, one of my managers said to me, “Mary Jo, if you want to get into management, you’ll have to stay in a position for a while” (I had never stayed anywhere in the company for more than 2.5 years at that point). He was implying, of course, that I needed deep technical knowledge in order to move up the ladder.

I wasn’t buying his advice, and have grown to understand that the learning I did served (and is serving) me well. I ended a long career with a global position that required a ton of intuition and a lot of knowledge stuffed into my brain. Because of my broad experience and my drive to learn, I am proud that, most of the time, I am able to connect the dots.

Why dot-connecting is important

As our world and our businesses become more global, connecting the dots will become even more important. Leaders who can grasp the significance and connectivity between their organizations, the larger corporation, their communities, countries, and the global context are going to be in top demand. In a poll conducted by PRWeek and Burson-Marsteller, the majority of the 252 CEOs surveyed said they were likely to rely on their intuition when making most business decisions.

The key is in being a learning leader

In order to see the whole, leaders need to be learning leaders. This implies a lot of vulnerability and a willingness to ask the questions that will help the brain to patch seemingly unconnected information together. Leaders need to be able to take in large amounts of information and make the connections visible and relevant to others. The ability to anticipate the future, solve problems with insight, and focus on long term goals are all direct results of being a learning leader.

Learning has everything to do with your ability to work with people and create healthy, strong relationships with others too. When you learn more about your followers, you are able to connect the dots in order to guide them in applying their strengths and passion to the work that is most meaningful for them and your organization.

A learning leader is able to seek out and distill a great amount of  information. They can then exercise their brain muscle by intuitively connect the dots; an in-demand skill at almost any organization. It takes a dedication and drive to learn, as well as conscious intent.

Are you being intentional about learning today in order to connect the dots tomorrow?

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force.
The people who listen to us are the ones we move toward.
When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” 

Karl Menninger

Listening helps you and the people you listen to learn and develop. Listen; really listen to someone today.

• Ask them at the end, “What are you taking away from this conversation?” (Be prepared to be surprised).

Reflect on the experience of listening you had: 

• What did you learn about the person you listened to? About yourself? 
• How will you use what you learned?

I’m pretty sure I’ve come close to draining my emotional bank account with Rick Chambers. He wrote an amazing piece for this blog back in November called “The Secret of Leadership: Do Nothing” that received so much more attention than anything I’ve ever written. So I asked (begged) him to write about his personal experience of being an introverted leader; his wonderful thoughts follow.

Rick is a director of Worldwide Communications for a Fortune 500 who has worked in the public relations field for more than 22 years. An award winning journalist, he is also a published author and an award-winning short-story writer. Rick is a native of Kalamazoo, Michigan. You can find out more about him on his LinkedIn profile.

Oh, and I owe him lunch (or maybe that’s plural).

A few years ago, my mom bumped into a former junior-high teacher of mine, and he quizzed her about my career in corporate public relations.

“Back when Rick was my student, if you`d told me he was going to grow up to be a media spokesperson for a major corporation, I never would have believed it,” he said.

Can`t say I blame him. Speaking to a key audience or facing the business end of a news camera is the kind of job you`d expect to give to a handsome, charming extrovert, the kind of guy who is comfortable and energized in a crowd.

I`m not that guy.

Look up “introvert” in your Webster`s, and you`ll find my picture. (Actually, you won`t?€”I didn`t show up for the photo session.) I`m the one hovering on the edge of a noisy room during a social hour, the one who collapses in his hotel room exhausted by a crowded conference, who is invigorated by a solo walk in the forest and ranks “networking” right up there with “prostate exam.”

Okay, I`m overstating it. A little. I care about the company I work for, I care about my colleagues, and I care about the people we serve. I want to do my best to build dialogue, nurture relationships and learn from them, which is what true public relations is about. Indeed, it`s what leadership is about. The challenge for me is admitting I approach those things in a different way than an extrovert might.

Such an admission came only after years of trying to remake my image. I copycatted my extroverted friends. My dad is a retired auto salesman, and I tried ripping off his mannerisms. In all of this, I failed miserably. I felt like a fake. Small talk was exhausting, networking was a chore, and I felt deeply inferior to colleagues who seemingly won friends and influenced people with ease.

But then, over time, came a realization. With maturity and sound advice from wise people, I began to learn that denying my introverted “wiring” was denying myself?€”and robbing others of the value I could bring.

An introvert`s tendency to carefully weigh answers and options is an asset in communication. An introvert`s wish for a deeper understanding of an issue or a person makes her or him a great resource, as well as considerably self aware. My introversion has made me a better writer. And understanding where I gain energy (in solitude) or expend it (in crowds) has improved the value I gain from, and give to, both.

In short, I`ve learned that neither the introvert nor the extrovert is a better leader than the other. Each is needed. Each has something to teach the other. Each brings important assets to leadership?€”assets that are applied more effectively if the leader works from a clear understanding and acceptance of how he or she is created.

I`ve learned a great deal from extroverted leaders. Indeed, I`m constantly amazed by their unique gifts. But knowing that an introvert can bring equal value is a welcome affirmation of who I am and what I provide to my career, to my colleagues and to this life.

I am a fan of simplicity, especially when it comes to ways to resolve differing opinions. The Triangle of Truth by Lisa Earle McLeod is a book that is practical, providing a simple model to find our way through conflict in our professional and personal lives. This interview will provide you with some of the background on why the book was written and describe some techniques to find peace in your relationships. But if you really want to know more, consider purchasing the book, a wonderfully quick read, and then visit www.triangleoftruth.com for tools you can put to use in all of your conflict situations.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, business consultant, and inspirational thought-leader whose work has been seen in the New York Times, O, The Oprah Magazine, Beliefnet.com, the Huffington Post, and the Wall Street Journal. Author of Forget Perfect, and a repeat guest on Good Morning America, Lisa speaks internationally and has been seen everywhere from town halls to major corporations. She lives in the Atlanta area with her husband and two children. Visit her website at www.LisaEarleMcLeod.com.

What prompted you to write Triangle of Truth?

Sex, politics and business.

I kept seeing the same problem in every arena: Either/or thinking. Whenever it’s a relationship issue, a political quagmire or a business battle, it’s same dynamic over and over again. Both sides think they’re right, and don’t want to budge. We’ve been told to compromise, but it never works, because in many cases both sides ARE right. The problem is that they’re approach the argument from an either/or mind set.

The Triangle of Truth show you how to harness the power of AND.

We then to think of arguments as a straight line, your truth is on one side, their truth is on the other and we’re supposed to meet in the middle. But the Triangle of Truth model, is about finding a solution at the top of the triangle. One that supports you both. In most cases our truths aren’t conflicting, they’re complimentary.

Can you explain what the Triangle of Truth is and what it can do for relationships?

There`s nothing like the dysfunctions of others to bring out the beast in us. And nothing puts us over the edge quicker than someone who refuses to see or admit the truth.

We all have people in our lives who drive us nuts. But we often find ourselves so frustrated with their narrow-minded, misguided, either/or way of thinking that we often succumb to same type of either/or thinking ourselves.

We start to think that because they are so very wrong about so many things, they`re wrong about everything.

The little voice in our head is screaming, “She`s nuts.” We know the “truth,” and we often wan to make sure everybody else knows it.

The Triangle of Truth model alleviates this problem because it enables you to see a person`s dysfunctions AND their positive attributes at the same time.

The Triangle of Truth enables you to see the REAL truth about other people. Yes they are crazy, AND there’s also another side to them, even if you can’t see it.

The truth is we`re all flawed, AND we`re also all fabulous. Our flaws may camouflage our magnificence, but they don`t negate it.

Once you accept the duality of everyone, you can hold onto the idea that they`re nuts AND they`re normal at the same time.

As someone who has to deal with certain unnamed crazy people on a regular basis, I can tell you that it works. When someone pushes my buttons, I take a deep breath and repeat to myself, “Everyone is flawed, AND everyone is fabulous.” It helps me reframe the situation.

You`ve heard the expression, “You can be right or you can be happy”? The Triangle of Truth allows you to be both.

You describe uses for the Triangle of Truth in both the personal and professional realm. Is it equally effective in both? Why or why not?

We take the same brain everywhere we go. We may dress up our act at work, but either/or thinking is a mental thought pattern that shows up in every area of our lives. So the model applies anywhere you interact with each other. We act like work and home are these separate areas, but have you ever lived with someone having career problems? Or worked with someone going through a divorce?

If we change the way we relate to each other, it changes the way we approach our entire lives. Work/life is much more a blend than a balance.

People are people wherever they go, and when they become smarter about one thing, it radiate out onto everything else.

Learning to use the Triangle of Truth has made me a better mother, a better spouse AND a better business coach.

Can you provide an example of a leader who successfully used the Triangle of Truth model and how it worked for him or her?

I have a CEO client who used it to solve a turf war. The typical turf war occurs not because people are evil or self-absorbed, but because people actually care about their jobs and their organizations, and they have expertise in their subject matter area.

But when they bump up against people who have different perspectives, instead of seeing it for what is ?€“ two teams of people who care about their role and job function ?€“ we attach all kinds of emotion to it and attribute ill-intent. People get angry, tempers flare, and then the imagined ill intent and deviousness becomes real.

The Triangle of Truth stops that process before it starts. Not only do you get things done more peacefully, but here`s the kicker that CEOs love ?€“ you get things done FASTER.

In the case of my CEO client we found that after using the Triangle of Truth, they didn’t waste time jockeying for position, with each group trying to prove their department`s truth and undermine everyone else`s.

We`ve also found that the solutions people create with the Triangle of Truth are more robust, they have better buy-in and they deliver better, longer-lasting results.

The Triangle of Truth is conflict resolution tool, but it`s also a model for igniting creativity, inspiring greatness, and it`s a catalyst for creating new models of success in our work, homes, and communities.

The ability to assimilate seemingly conflicting perspectives has been the invisible under-pinning behind our greatest success, public and private. Elvis did it when he combined country with gospel, Einstein did it when he combined science and religion, and Mary Kay created a break out business model by combining selling and nurturing.

The Triangle of Truth provides a model for everyday people to tap into that wisdom.

Where can people find the tools that will help them to use the Triangle of Truth?

www.TriangleofTruth.com – we offer free tools like 7 simple ways to harness the power of AND, 10 great Questions To Ask Your Spouse, Coworker or Prospect, and tons more, all free.

I encourage my clients to find a way that works for them to reflect. This means setting aside some time to THINK. I get a lot of resistance, and understand that finding the time to reflect is difficult in their busy schedules. The thought of spending time alone can be tough too, considering most of them (like most leaders) are action-takers. The idea of being still to reflect can be a bit disconcerting; it may not feel like anything is happening (but what if thought were considered “action”?).

The reality is that action without reflection can translate into being blind to what really needs to be done for ourselves and for the organization. We may be going down the wrong path. And by the time we discover this, it is too late. My colleague Steve Roesler calls this “Prognosis without Diagnosis”.

Learning to be proactive by looking back before we take the wrong turn is crucial. It means intentionally finding ways to slow down. It means that in our crazy-busy world, we have to regularly reflect on our actions and the reactions of others. How? It`s not as hard as you think. Instead of feeling like you have to spend large amounts of time reflecting, start by fitting a few minutes into your schedule every day.

Block out the time, every day; it takes discipline to make this a practice. Don’t let the though of finding a large chunk of time stop you ?€“ finding thirty minutes or even an hour may be too tough. Try blocking out fifteen minutes on your calendar for the next few months. Some find that first thing in the morning works, others may prefer lunchtime or the end of the day.

Turn off the electronic gadgets, including your computer and cell phone. Close the door and let anyone who needs to know that unless there is an emergency, you are not to be disturbed.

Ask yourself the right kinds of questions. Questions are a great way to get started. Open ended questions are the best thought starters. Some questions that you might use – or you can create your own:

• Did I follow the path I intended to in the last 24 hours? Why or why not?
• What path do I want to follow in the future?
• What makes the path important to me? To others?
• What have I noticed in others` reactions to me today?
• What actions do I need to make to follow the future path?

Write down your answers. You can be efficient here. Don’t let the thought of “journaling” get in the way. Get a small notebook and answer your questions with bullet points; large notebooks and never-ending prose are unnecessary. I realize actual writing with a pen is out of fashion, but doing it this way will allow you to think through your answers.

Stay accountable: If you are self motivated, this won’t be a problem. However, you may want to discuss your answers with someone. For many leaders, having a “reflective partner” will help with accountability; the right partner can spur creative thinking. Consider scheduling time with a friend, colleague or your coach to discuss your reflections.

Stick with it: After a while, your “reflective practice” will become a habit – like eating or sleeping. And you’ll see the results – better observations and presence, decisions and clarity.

Fifteen minutes and bullet points! Is that so hard?

There has been a lot of attention placed on Gen Y workers and what they want from the workplace, how they work differently, how their expectations are different from previous generations. I’ve often considered that the focus on generational differences at work is a plot to keep consultants busy.

But yet I wonder; do the expectations that Gen Y have for their managers and leaders differ than mine? Or from any other generation’s?

My daughter and her husband are in the under-30 crowd. Both have already had a fair amount of experience with different workplaces and management styles. Recently after a lovely Sunday dinner together, I asked my daughter and her husband, “What do you want from your managers and leaders?“. Their answers:

Ask for our thoughts and listen to them. Ask us what we think. Listen to our ideas on what can be done to make the workplace run smoother, better, more efficiently. And then consider our answers and ask us to help make the workplace better.

Treat us the same way we treat you. We want to feel valued and respected. We`ll work harder and with more care if you care.

Be honest with us. Don`t try to snow us or pretend that you know something that you really don`t. When we need to know something, tell us ?€“ don`t hold back or think it`s irrelevant. We`d rather have more information than less.

Foster a culture that wants to keep employees. Make us feel as if we are important to the organization and that you want us to stay. Instead of assuming we are doing wrong, assume we`re doing right. We`re not slackers. We want to work hard and accomplish things. Coach and mentor us when we stray.

Hmm?€¦.this was a totally unscientific survey of (only) two darned bright (if I do say so myself) Gen Y’ers. Yet it begs a question: Do Gen Y workers want anything different from their leadership than any other generation? Your thoughts?