Archive for the ‘listen’ Category

You’ve had an eleven hour day from hell.  There was no whitespace in your schedule, as usual. Everyone wanted a piece of you, meetings were plentiful and contentious, and the vague plan you’d had to do something productive just got filled up with other less-than-productive things.

Exhausted, you get into your car for the drive home. When you walk in the door, you say hello and head upstairs to change out of your office attire. Then it hits you. Silence. It’s quiet. You close your eyes, and it feels wonderful; you sit on the edge of the bed and drink it in for a few minutes. Amazingly, your usual energy returns and you are ready to face the evening with more moxie.

What if you could allow some of that wonderful silence into that crazy work-world of yours? Silence may be just the thing you need at work to have your long days feel more energetic.

Silence is a tool to get more energy

Silence is an important tool that leaders can pull into their day if they are intentional about it. The excuse that you “just don’t have time” is no longer valid when you know that quiet and calm can renew and refresh you. How can you get gently put more silence into your work day to increase your moxie?

Arrive at work early: Arriving a few minutes before the hustle and bustle starts is a smart strategy for increasing your leadership moxie. Close your door, don’t turn on the computer (yet), and use the time to prepare for your day. What do you want to accomplish? What are your priorities and intentions for the day? Write them down and refer to them throughout the day.

Block out time for silence: It doesn’t need to be much – five or ten minutes will do. If you listen to your body rhythms and know the times of day when your energy is at its ebb, block out some time then to just listen to the silence. Close your office door, turn off the lights, forward your phone, silence your Blackberry, sit comfortably away from your desk, if possible (to avoid temptation to work) and breathe. Listen to the silence and notice your breath as it fills and empties your lungs.

Shut up: You really don’t need to fill every pause in conversation with your words. Allowing some silence to unfold also allows thought for everyone in the conversation (and thinking is good). Yes, it might feel uncomfortable at first, but being conscious of pausing and allowing some quiet in the dialog will make it better and more creative. You’ll get over the discomfort. And I promise that if you wait long enough, someone will speak and the words that come out will be insightful.

I want to know; in what other ways can silence bring some moxie into your workday?

When was the last time you felt as if you were listened to? What was that like?

Many people find it difficult to answer the first question; however, those that can have no problem remembering what it felt like: I often hear them say “I felt valued” or “I felt like someone cared”.

Simple in theory, yet hard to do, listening is a powerful tool for leaders that makes people feel as if they matter. When people feel like they matter, they will give their best to you and your organization. This is such a profound truth that I’ve wondered why we don’t get listening training in school and at work (“listening skills” should be part of every leadership development program!). 

What causes a leader to close his ears?

In addition to the external distractions that pull us away from listening, the hierarchical and political nature of our organizations has had a hand in a leader’s reluctance to listen as they should. We tend to perpetuate the myth that our leaders have all the answers, so they must be smarter. They begin to believe this themselves. The truth is, that if they are giving all of the answers, they aren’t listening, and they’ve stopped valuing what others have to say.

The danger is that when we close our ears, we may also have ceased learning. When we believe we know it all, we have stopped valuing what others have to add to the dialog. When we open ourselves up what others say, we learn from them and they feel valued.

It takes effort

Most of us are not be accustomed to opening ourselves up to this deep level of listening; it requires great patience and practice. We must be willing to take the time to listen. We must suspend our judgments and observe tone, inflection, facial expression and body language. We must listen beyond what is spoken or visible for that which is unspoken.

Asking yourself the following questions can provide a powerful framework for “leaning in” to listen at your best:

• What could I learn by listening?
• What beliefs do I have about myself – in relation to others – that prevent me from really listening?
• What judgments have I made about others? Are they valid?
• What is it about listening that is important to me? To others? To my organization?

Practice. Try setting aside some time to listen to people who are important to you in your organization. I’d love to have you come back here and let me know what you’ve learned.

Leaders tell me that there are things that get in the way of their ability to really listen. All of them can be remedied. We’ll start with the simplest – the physical distractions.

To be able to really listen, we must quiet our minds and focus. For many, this will mean that we need to control the distractions that will allow us to “lean in” to the conversation.

Years ago I had a manager who allowed our conversations to be pulled away by physical distractions. When we were in a conversation, and his phone rang, he picked it up. If someone came to his door with a less-than-urgent matter, he would talk it out with them while I sat idly by, feeling very small and very unnecessary. Unfortunately his habit of allowing those distractions colored my opinion of him in a very unfavorable way (and I wasn’t self aware or courageous enough in my youth to have a dialog with him about his rude behavior), prolonged our conversations, and made me feel unappreciated. For the record, his rude behavior was a significant reason for my leaving that position.

If I had been more confident, I would have respectfully asked him if he could have his administrative assistant take the incoming calls and ask people who came to his door to return later. In our world of  increasing distractions, it takes an intention to focus on the conversation and a willingness to eliminate distractions so we can do our best at truly listening. Your ability to be able to “lean in” to show you value the other person will be enhanced by doing the following:

1.      Forward the office phone to someone else or to voice mail to reduce the interruption it causes by hearing it ring. (P.S. if you are listening 1:1 on the phone, take it off “speaker” mode, for goodness’ sake. If you want to be hands free on your office phone, buy a headset).

2.      Turn off the cell phone and put it out of reach so you aren’t tempted to look at incoming messages 

3.      Turn off alerts on your office computer because, like your phones, even the sound they make can distract you from listening 

4.      Close your door (if you have one) or ask to meet later when people with non-urgent interruptions stop by when you are in a conversation 

5.      Come out from behind your desk and sit at a conference table, if you have one which eliminates a barrier to good listening 

6.      Face the person you are listening to and lean forward into the conversation 

7.      Shut up and be strategic about offering your opinion. Consider that the most important thing for you to do right now is to listen. 

Most of these solutions are all relatively easy and most are mechanical in nature – if we are intentional. The solution that seems to be the biggest hurdle is #7; the internal distraction which has to do with the value we place on what others have to say (or not). Stay tuned for the next post which will address that tougher issue.

Thought-full Thursday is a new feature on this site. It will be very brief, a quote or brief passage followed with some thoughtful questions. Feel free to respond to the questions here, or to simply to reflect and revel in the beauty of the questions that you don’t know the answers to. Why am I doing this on a site dedicated to leadership? Because all leaders can use a little more thought and silence in their lives.

“We know the experience of being listened to by painfully experiencing its opposite.”  ~ unknown

• Recall a time when you felt listened to. What did you feel? Where did you feel it?
• What is the personal value for you when you listen? How do others value from your listening?
• What distractions prevent you from listening?
• What beliefs keep you from listening?
• What will it take for you to turn away from the distractions and change your beliefs so that you really listen?

The previous post begins to explore the case for listening better. This post is meant to begin a conversation about what gets in the way of listening.

I imagine that our cave-person ancestors were good listeners. It was a matter of survival, after all, that they’d be able to hear the animals that were either their next meal or that might eat them. I imagine they would also gather together to have tribal dialog, where respect and listening went hand in hand; the tribe’s safety depended on it. Our ancestor’s ears were turned on and listening all the time.

But then, they didn’t have telephones, televisions, Blackberries, or Outlook alerts. They didn’t have our face-paced organizations that must move quicker than the competition.

Yet these technological gadgets, which certainly can distract us from truly listening to others, are the surface of the problem that causes poor listening skills. Distractions, technical or not, are simply an excuse to hide a belief that we try to hide from our fully conscious self.

The truth is that we think we know more than others. We believe that we have the right answers and that our peers and employees don’t have anything of value to add. Their knowledge, opinions, and humanity don’t count. This is what really keeps us from listening. The gadgets are only an excuse.

There. Kind person though I may be, I’ve wanted to say that for a very long time.

If we believed that others were important, that they even might have the possibility of being bright, capable, creative and able to add value, the distractions wouldn’t matter. We’d be able to dismiss the distractions and be fully present and able to listen deeply to others.

Do you value others and what they have to say? Ask yourself that, and if the answer is “yes”, you’re on your way to becoming a better listener and, quite possibly, a phenomenal leader.

Next week: How to listen better, in two parts.

As an executive coach, I am continually amazed at the havoc that poor listening ability has created for so many leaders. A recent review of goals and action plans created by my clients over the years reveals that “improving listening skills” is one of the most popular goals that come from the feedback provided by their managers, peers and employees. Poor listening effects almost every aspect of a leader’s ability to connect with people, not to mention the fact that when listening stops – so does learning, as Sarah experienced.

Sarah was on a path to leadership disaster. Looking at her track record, you wouldn’t know it. She was a driven mid-level executive in a large organization. Known by her senior management as someone who got results, the organization wanted to retain her for a larger role. Yet her 360 results in the areas of “team work” and “developing followership” were in the tank; she would need to improve her scores in those areas if she had any hope of future promotion.

I conducted interviews to dig deeper into the causes of her 360 problems.  Her peers and employees indicated that although Sarah was bright and driven, they didn’t feel listened to. Further questioning showed that she was distracted, rushed, and opinionated; she cut people off and displayed a tendency to have “the last word”.

Upon seeing the “poor listening” problem detailed in her interview report, Sarah was ready to make a change. We created an action plan to work on “developing better listening skills”.

It was a hard behavior to change. However, Sarah’s considerable drive to achieve kicked in to help her be successful. Later follow-up interviews showed Sarah was successful in improving her listening ability. Her staff and peers felt like they were being heard. Their interactions became more open with each other and with Sarah.

Through improved listening, Sarah was learning new things that were important to her future success as a leader. Her relationships inside and outside of work were improving.

The deceptively simple act of listening has become, for many of us, our roadblock to higher achievement. Listening well is something that we should be naturals at. After all, as the saying goes, we were born with two ears and one mouth, and started life listening long before we learned to talk.

However, a lifetime of striving to tell everyone we know about how smart we are, or about why our opinion counts have helped us to develop some exceptional non-listening habits. As a leader, it is essential that we exercise discernment of the mouth and allow our ears to hear what others have to say.

The act of listening is probably the most underrated leadership “skill”. I don’t recall seeing “listens well” on a list of leadership competencies, yet I’ve seen the inability to listen create real problems for leaders.

The leaders I know who have improved their ability to listen have enjoyed significant improvement in their capacity to inspire, impact, and influence their organizations and communities. Put “develop better listening skills” at the top of your list of personal development goals. It will make a big difference in your leadership and your life. 

Next, Listening Part II: What gets in the way?

You’ve read the previous post (It`s Not Them, It`s You), and you`ve figured out that your team may not be participating in conversations because of your behaviors. You may have asked someone you trust to observe you, or you may be self aware enough to know that you aren`t fostering the kind of relationship(s) with the team that you`d like ?€“ the kind where they actually participate in problem solving, strategy, and take initiative.

You are willing to take some responsibility: what is it that you can do to turn the tide? What are your private intentions for their engagement? How can you facilitate participation by your team? Your personal pledges (plan) to change the situation may look something like this:

Listen more: I will slow down and really listen to what your team is saying. I will learn to catch myself before I speak and stop cutting them off or shutting them down. I will allow silence to unfold because this means my team members are thinking. Thinking is good for them, for me, and for our organization.

Respect and thank your team for their input: I will work on my own belief that I know what is best. I know it will take courage for me to do this, but I need their input in order for us to make balanced decisions. I will not dismiss or ignore their ideas, as they may understand the situation better than I do. I will pause, think, and consider what`s good about what they`ve offered and speak about that. I will thank them for participating.

Ask open ended questions: I will ask questions that begin with the word “what” that you really don`t know the answer to. I will re-read The Art of Inquiry.

Shut up: I will stop asking questions and resist the urge to always provide my own answers. I will be curious and ask more questions. I recognize that by doing this, I will also learn some new things.

Embrace the messenger: I will stop shooting the messenger, and take Mom`s advice when it is appropriate to do so: “If you can`t say something nice, don`t say anything at all.”

Curb impatience and temper: When I reflect on my anger, I often find that impatience and temper are the manifestations of fear. I will consider the fears that may be contributing to shutting others down. I will tame my anger by hitting the pause button and taking some deep breaths to prevent it from showing.

When you are in the process of re-engaging your team, you must be consistent in practicing the above. Ask for their help and feedback to recognize when you steer off course. The changes will take time; they are simple but not easy. Find support and accountability in a trusted mentor or coach, and keep at it. In time, the conversations with your team will flow with creativity, support, and new ideas.

You`re leading a monthly meeting. You`ve asked your team members to provide their input on a topic. Unlike your teenager who at least shrugs his shoulders (or says “I don`t know”) when you ask for his opinion, you get silent stares from your team. What could be going on?

Are your team members incompetent? Do they even know enough about the subject to speak up? Don’t they know that their input is important? Actually, you may need to look to yourself and your behavior as the cause.

The behaviors you exhibit may be shutting your team down. Luckily, these behaviors can be fixed over time, increasing the liklihood that you will get the input you seek. Let`s explore the behaviors that may be preventing your team from speaking up:

• You are not listening: Are you doing all the talking? Are you shutting people down or cutting them off?  
• You have ignored your team`s input: Do you have a history of asking for input and then doing whatever you think is right anyway?
• You are asking the wrong kind of questions: Are your questions the kind that don`t foster discussion (yes/no questions for example)? Are the questions you are asking ones that you already know the answers to?
• You supply the answers to the questions: Do you ask the question and then supply your own answers? Are you allowing the silence necessary for your team to consider their answer (yes, silence can be a good thing in this case)?
• You shoot the messenger: Do you respond with your opinion (often negative) to the responses you`ve received? Do you feel the need to judge every answer?
• Are you showing impatience or temper? Does your body language indicate that you are not getting the kind of answers you want? Are you rolling your eyes or sighing when a team member responds to a question? Worse yet, are you showing signs of anger or exhibiting outbursts?

Is it possible that any of these behaviors apply to you? Ask someone you trust to observe you and provide some feedback. If you find that you are exhibiting any of the behaviors above, you need to change your behavior. You`ve lost respect for yourself and for others and are on a downward spiral. It`s recoverable. More about how to recover in the next post.

My clients know that I have a special fondness for the importance of a leader slowing down to ask important questions rather than just talk. When I talk to other people who do the kind of work I do, I find that many also see the value in coaching their clients to ask good questions.

Asking questions is essential, and is only as good as our willingness to listen to the answers. I was reminded of this twice yesterday:

1. A team I’m working with got into a heated discussion. Everyone felt like they had to get their opinions in. They were interrupting each other, talking over each other, and focused on what they’d say nex to defend their positions. Nobody asked any questions, and nobody was listening.
2. A woman I’ve never met called yesterday to seemingly pick my brain about what I do (she was considering a similar career path). In a half hour “conversation” (this isn’t the right term), she asked me one question – and cut me off when I attempted to answer it. She talked about herself the entire time.

So how do you learn to listen?

Like a 12-step program, our listening – or not – must become a conscious choice, a habit. And it needs to be practiced and ingrained. For starters, consider doing the following:

1. Observe: Although it sounds odd, observe yourself in conversation. How often do you pause for someone else to speak?
2. Stop talking: I know it sounds obvious. But the first step in listening is to shut up.
3. Don’t interrupt: Also obvious, but most of us do this unconsciously.
4. Turn toward the person who is speaking and look them in the eye: We tend to listen on autopilot, not realizing the effect our body language may have on stifling a conversation.
5. Stop the quacking: You know, that incessant voice in your head that wanders off to what you’ll have for lunch or the ugly tie the person you’re speaking with is wearing?
6. Turn off or at least ignore the buzzing, whining, ringing cell phone. When you pay attention to your phone in the middle of a conversation, many will believe you’ve made the choice that the phone is more important than they are.

The above steps are just plain courtesies. They are obvious, but often hard to put into action. They show respect for the person you are speaking to. Learning to do these and making them habit are key. Find someone to help you by observing you and providing feedback.

Next post – part II – will be about going beyond listening – for those really important conversations.