Beginner's Mind and Heart: Starting Fresh With Others
August 10th, 2009 | 
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This is a follow up to a recent post, Beginner`s Mind: Seeing the Trees for the Forest which received a lot of interest and some great comments. Thanks to Monica Diaz`s (@monedays) Twitter campaign #OtherEsteem about valuing others, I began to consider how “being a beginner” might apply to people we`ve judged negatively – maybe even harshly.)
Cultivating a beginner`s mind and heart when it comes to valuing the gifts that others bring to our organizations and communities is truly an essential skill for a leader. We are paid to make strategic judgments but there are times ?€“ especially when it comes to judging those around us ?€“ that we need to act as if we are meeting others for the first time, and without negative judgments.
In what way is your negative judgment of others serving to create and sustain your relationships? In many cases, it may be holding you back. Exchanging the judge in your head for valuing the other`s gifts in your heart is a skill that will serve you and those you lead. In fact, it may be one of the best ways to lead, to create results and followership.
I`ve never believed that the old saying that “first impressions last” is true. First impressions are only our first judgments of another, and these can change. Once we open our mind and hearts to those whose first impression we`ve judged, relationship magic can happen.
- Consider those around you. Ask: Whom have I judged negatively? How might my judgment be impacting my leadership?
- Truly open yourself to observing those you`ve judged. Ask: What have I not seen that is good? How might I focus on that individual`s positive traits?
- Listen and ask: What intrigues me about this person? What surprises do they hold
- Stay calm when your triggers are pulled by those you`ve judged negatively. Ask: What is the message that this person is trying to convey? Might it just be a different way of expressing it than I`m used to? How can I help to uncover and learn more about the message?
- Keep working at all of the above: If the relationship with this person has been significantly damaged, it may take time to repair. Have patience, and continue to work at the above.
Most people we have judged are simply seeing the world through their own lens of history, beliefs and knowledge. If we take the time to listen and ask some questions about their view, we may learn from them. This learning may be the beginning of helping them to bring their unique gifts to our organization, community and world. Isn`t that a big part of what leadership is about?
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9 Responses to “Beginner's Mind and Heart: Starting Fresh With Others”
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As always, you present great food for thought here. I had never thought of this as "beginner's mind", but you are so right! The only way to really change how we value others (and how effective our interaction can be) is to "start again" in a sense. In my book I refer to the practice of expecting the best from someone and acting as if they were going to deliver. This requires the kind of things you talk about here. When we treat people with respect and expecting that they can act differently, we open the door to new ways of interacting.
Monica, I love your "take" on this – "treat people with respect and expect that they can act differently….." – how true. And how difficult, when we've had a history of judging them!
I like the twin sentiments here. It's hard to disagree with the idea that past behavior shouldn't guide our judgment and that we should always expect the best of people, but I do disagree. I think there is a time for this, but it's a special time for special circumstances.
Most of the time we will do the human thing. We will make judgments about how people will act based on how they have acted in the past. Some of that will happen consciously, some won't. And, in my experience, at least, most of the people who have acted poorly in the past continue with that and to keep expecting them to change lays a burden on the rest of the team. One of the consequences of bad behavior is that people are wary of you after it. That's how we are.
I needed to ponder this for a while before commenting for two reasons. First, this was one of those, "Hmmm, I've never thought of it that way before" posts. I love them, but I need time to process them. And I knew I needed to reconcile my ideas that we should, generally, expect the best of people and challenge them to better, so I didn't want that to get lost in my comment about that parts of your post that I didn't and still don't agree with.
I think the beginner's mind applied to people is an important thing to do. I think it should be done periodically and consciously for everyone you work with. I don't think it's reasonable or desirable to try to make this part of every judgment about people and what they will/should do.
Hi Wally,
I love it when you stop over and offer your thoughts. It is especially enriching when you disagree with something I've written, as it provides more food for thought.
I don't disagree with you, but am having difficulty imagining when a leader needs to be conscious about a choice to judge or to use a "beginner's mind". Leadership is so complex, and it does require a discerning mind (and heart) in order to lead in the best possible way for the situation or individual.
In my experience, we are quicker to judge others than we are to take the stance that they may, after all, have something to offer if we only could stop and reflect on what that might be. And as soon as we've judged negatively – the relationship is somehow dampened.
When the approach is one of "beginner's mind", the relationship – and sometimes the behavior – has a chance to succeed and even deepen, I believe.
I'd love to hear more of your thinking. Under what circumstances do you believe that it is desirable and reasonable for a leader to judge others?
First a clarification. I meant to say that using beginner's mind with a person would have to be a conscious choice because it wouldn't happen in the normal course of events.
You ask "Under what circumstances do you believe that it is desirable and reasonable for a leader to judge others?"
My answer: judging others is not your job as a leader. Judging their ability to perform and their willingness to pitch in and the development possibilities they present is part of your job. Judging how their behavior has and may affect the team is your job.
I think that the beginner's mind would be most helpful and productive when judging willingness and development possibilities.
Wow, what a great discussion you have going! I think the key for me is to focus on behaviors, not traits, because we can work together to change your behavior.
My first look is inside. Did you know what I expected in terms of behavior? How do I know you knew? Was there anything I did in the context of our work that might have affected your ability to meet my expectations?
There is no substitute for caring, so before I talk to you about those behaviors that don't meet expectations, I want to make sure that my true motivation is to HELP you change your behavior. If my motivation is anything other than that you will smell me coming a mile away and react accordingly.
I'm just not a big fan of terms like "good" and "bad" with respect to traits, attitudes, and behaviors. The systems thinker in me wants to stick with what I can expect, how I know what to expect, and how to leverage change if I am not satisfied with performance vs. expectations.
Great stuff, MJ! Keep up the good work. Bret
Wally, thanks for the distinctions – and I DO agree. Next time I write the post :^), I'll include your discerning descriptions.
Bret, you've also added some distinctions that are helpful. Certainly, the behaviors are what can be changed – and I liked your take on looking inside first.
Great conversation. Thanks for your input everyone!
Wonderful posts like this one always leave you thinking…and the discussion here is so lively and enticing. I agree with Wally that this "beginners' mind" and "expecting the best" is NOT the natural thing to do. It is an aware choice we can make if we want to create the space for change and improvement. It is a different option that we rarely consider and in my experience, a powerful one.
As leaders we improve the more options we see in each situation. Especially with regards to other people. We widen our "repertoire" and increase our effectiveness. Thanks all for the insights that not only spark conversation but also deepen thinking!
Speaking as the "beginner" in my current work situation, I totally agree with Mary Jo. The "beginner" may be new to your organization, but they are not new to life and are probably not even new to your industry. I think Abraham Lincoln said once, "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that way, I learn from him." Who wouldn't want to live up to the expectations of a leader like that?