Archive for January, 2010

A big part of a leader`s ability to create and sustain great relationships in the workplace have to do with their ability to “just notice” other`s reactions. Jane Dutton from the University of Michigan has academically termed this “relational attentiveness” in her wonderful book, Energize Your Workplace.

Leaders who are attuned to the behavior and emotional states of those around them can make the adjustments necessary to revive an organization whose energy is low and needs some reviving to increase its effectiveness. Sagging spirits are an all-to-frequent occurance in today’s workplace.

Yet we are moving so fast, we don`t take the time to notice as we should. Look around. Are the people in your workplace connecting with each other? Are they energetic, enthusiastically diving into the challenges provide? Do they eagerly await the success they will have with new learning opportunities and stretch assignments? If not, you may have some work to do.

My experience

One of the best workplace experiences I had in my budding Human Resources career was in a role as a specialist in Corporate Compensation. This could be pretty bland (and sometimes, honestly, demoralizing) work, “sore-thumbing” job descriptions and determining the wages and bonuses of corporate officers who pocketed Christmas bonuses that were equal to many times my annual salary. (I remember someone asking me what I did in that job. I was ?€“ unusually ?€“ at a loss for words to describe it).

The manager of this business unit (perhaps a bit bored himself) would often rally the troops when our spirits sagged by encouraging some fun or arranging for us to go out to lunch. He was also a bit of a jokester himself, who allowed us to tease him, and play along, about his own failings. It allowed us to re-energize on a personal level with ourselves and with him.

The gift

This manager`s real gift was the ability to “just notice” when we needed to step out of our routine and enjoy the company of one another. He might be surprised to know that this is how I remember him and what I enjoyed ?€“ and learned ?€“ from his leadership.

His ability to react ?€“ and lead us beyond ?€“ our sagging spirits is a lesson for all leaders to “just notice”. Keep an open mind and heart in your workplace. Just notice when the energy of your team is low and requires your light touch to lift it up. Lead others with that lift and enjoy the energy it provides to you and your team!

What have you done to lift others when spirits sag?

Next week I’ll begin a new weekly feature at this site called “Thoughtful Thursday” where I will simply ask a few good old fashioned open-ended questions to make you reflect. No answers, just questions. You can choose to respond to the questions on this site – or just ponder. I’m looking forward to it.

I’m pretty sure I’ve come close to draining my emotional bank account with Rick Chambers. He wrote an amazing piece for this blog back in November called “The Secret of Leadership: Do Nothing” that received so much more attention than anything I’ve ever written. So I asked (begged) him to write about his personal experience of being an introverted leader; his wonderful thoughts follow.

Rick is a director of Worldwide Communications for a Fortune 500 who has worked in the public relations field for more than 22 years. An award winning journalist, he is also a published author and an award-winning short-story writer. Rick is a native of Kalamazoo, Michigan. You can find out more about him on his LinkedIn profile.

Oh, and I owe him lunch (or maybe that’s plural).

A few years ago, my mom bumped into a former junior-high teacher of mine, and he quizzed her about my career in corporate public relations.

“Back when Rick was my student, if you`d told me he was going to grow up to be a media spokesperson for a major corporation, I never would have believed it,” he said.

Can`t say I blame him. Speaking to a key audience or facing the business end of a news camera is the kind of job you`d expect to give to a handsome, charming extrovert, the kind of guy who is comfortable and energized in a crowd.

I`m not that guy.

Look up “introvert” in your Webster`s, and you`ll find my picture. (Actually, you won`t?€”I didn`t show up for the photo session.) I`m the one hovering on the edge of a noisy room during a social hour, the one who collapses in his hotel room exhausted by a crowded conference, who is invigorated by a solo walk in the forest and ranks “networking” right up there with “prostate exam.”

Okay, I`m overstating it. A little. I care about the company I work for, I care about my colleagues, and I care about the people we serve. I want to do my best to build dialogue, nurture relationships and learn from them, which is what true public relations is about. Indeed, it`s what leadership is about. The challenge for me is admitting I approach those things in a different way than an extrovert might.

Such an admission came only after years of trying to remake my image. I copycatted my extroverted friends. My dad is a retired auto salesman, and I tried ripping off his mannerisms. In all of this, I failed miserably. I felt like a fake. Small talk was exhausting, networking was a chore, and I felt deeply inferior to colleagues who seemingly won friends and influenced people with ease.

But then, over time, came a realization. With maturity and sound advice from wise people, I began to learn that denying my introverted “wiring” was denying myself?€”and robbing others of the value I could bring.

An introvert`s tendency to carefully weigh answers and options is an asset in communication. An introvert`s wish for a deeper understanding of an issue or a person makes her or him a great resource, as well as considerably self aware. My introversion has made me a better writer. And understanding where I gain energy (in solitude) or expend it (in crowds) has improved the value I gain from, and give to, both.

In short, I`ve learned that neither the introvert nor the extrovert is a better leader than the other. Each is needed. Each has something to teach the other. Each brings important assets to leadership?€”assets that are applied more effectively if the leader works from a clear understanding and acceptance of how he or she is created.

I`ve learned a great deal from extroverted leaders. Indeed, I`m constantly amazed by their unique gifts. But knowing that an introvert can bring equal value is a welcome affirmation of who I am and what I provide to my career, to my colleagues and to this life.

The comments received on the previous post, “Bad Manager or Flawed Human?” were insightful and thought-provoking. I would like to thank everyone who took the time to express their passion about the subject. There is so much more to say. This post is my own follow up to the conversation in that post about “it won’t do any good to address the behavior of my manager”.

Many of us want to be able to turn to one another in our communities and workplaces with dialog that will further the healthy relationships that help us, our leaders and organizations, to grow. How can this happen if we don`t take some personal responsibility for addressing the behaviors of managers that harm us and ultimately destroy “the greater good”? By choosing to abstain from addressing this behavior, we benignly participate in the the unhappiness, if not the immorality, that we see around us.

Our responsibility transcends our fear

There is no reason for “feedack” conversations to be one-way (manager to employee). Just because we think it won’t change anything, is not the real reason. If we look beyond that excuse, we know the real reason is our fear. The structure and culture of our organizations have perpetuated this. Yet, our personal responsibility to take action must trancend our fear. Our workplaces cannot ever get healthy if we don’t begin the dialog with the offending manager.

I am not suggesting confrontation. I am suggesting dialog. This is a key distinction, because confrontation is grounded in anger. Dialog is grounded in our own passion for making our workplaces and our world a better place.

Why should we feel powerless to speak to our managers about their poor behavior? What is the worst that could happen?

Rejecting an opportunity to have a conversation with our managers about their poor behavior doesn`t change a thing. Having a dialog at least has a chance at catalyzing change.

Where to begin

So when you are tempted to complain or take a raincheck on the chance to initiate a difficult “feedback” conversation with your manager, ask yourself:

• What is my fear?
• What is my role in this situation?
• What is the most productive action I could take?
• Is there risk in taking that action?
• Even if there is risk, is there possibility that my willingness to address the situation will catalyze a change?
• What am I willing to do?
• How will I start?

Ask for permission to have the discussion with your manager (“May I offer you some suggestions?” ” Would you be willing to listen to some feedback?”). By starting the conversation this way, you are not offering unsolicited feedback ?€“ 99.99% will answer “yes”. This is where listening and growth begins because they are now accepting ownership for what you have to express. Then say it with kindness and respect because your manager is not a bad person. They are a flawed human just like you.

Yes, it`s hard. Yes, there is some risk. The potential benefits of your dialog outweigh the risks. This courageous conversation is your responsibility.

Note: I would also encourage you to watch Bret L. Simmon’s excellent video blog series on The Courageous Leader.

Last week, I ran into someone I hadn`t seen in quite a while. After getting caught up on what he`s doing, this is how the conversation went:

Him: So what are you doing now?

Me: I`m an executive coach. (I always wait for a reaction after that statement, secretly enjoying the all-too- frequent blank stares and then the question – “so what does an executive coach do?”).

Him: Oh, so you work with bad managers. Let me tell you about mine?€¦..blah blah blah.

And so he goes on about his manager with the poor behavior, how it`s driving him crazy, and why did “they” put her in a management position anyway?.

I`m not shocked because I hear it all the time. Sometimes I`m even approached by a client`s direct reports who hope I`ll pass along their complaints to my client (I won`t, and tactfully suggest that they speak to the manager themselves).

Aren`t we all flawed?

There are some really terrible managers out there. Luckily, they are a minority (although all of the bad boss stories would make us believe otherwise). More often than not, the people complaining about their “bad manager” are talking about some less than stellar behaviors exhibited by a decent person who is not very self aware. More often than not, these poor behaviors aren`t serious derailers. These are the behaviors of a human being who is flawed, like you and I.

None of us is perfect, so why should we expect our managers and leaders to be?

Do poor behaviors mean “bad manager”? Can “poor behaviors” change?

Managers and leaders are being observed and judged more than others. Our expectations are understandably different for people in those positions. So when those unsavory behaviors show up in managers, we notice them more and we tend to be more critical of the individuals exhibiting them (especially when they are our manager).

Instead of complaining to me, here is what you can do

The best thing you can do for your manager with poor behaviors is (a) to believe that they can change and (b) give them feedback about what you’re observing. By labeling them as “bad managers” or “bad leaders”, you’ve effectively withdrawn your support and lost hope for any change in their behavior. This doesn`t serve you or your organization well.

So the next time you want to tell me about your “bad manager”, please just tell me that you have a (good) manager with some poor behaviors. Then we can have a conversation about what you can do to help them correct those behaviors. If you are willing to step into that dialog with your manager, there is hope that they can become a better ?€“ maybe even great – manager.

I am a fan of simplicity, especially when it comes to ways to resolve differing opinions. The Triangle of Truth by Lisa Earle McLeod is a book that is practical, providing a simple model to find our way through conflict in our professional and personal lives. This interview will provide you with some of the background on why the book was written and describe some techniques to find peace in your relationships. But if you really want to know more, consider purchasing the book, a wonderfully quick read, and then visit www.triangleoftruth.com for tools you can put to use in all of your conflict situations.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, business consultant, and inspirational thought-leader whose work has been seen in the New York Times, O, The Oprah Magazine, Beliefnet.com, the Huffington Post, and the Wall Street Journal. Author of Forget Perfect, and a repeat guest on Good Morning America, Lisa speaks internationally and has been seen everywhere from town halls to major corporations. She lives in the Atlanta area with her husband and two children. Visit her website at www.LisaEarleMcLeod.com.

What prompted you to write Triangle of Truth?

Sex, politics and business.

I kept seeing the same problem in every arena: Either/or thinking. Whenever it’s a relationship issue, a political quagmire or a business battle, it’s same dynamic over and over again. Both sides think they’re right, and don’t want to budge. We’ve been told to compromise, but it never works, because in many cases both sides ARE right. The problem is that they’re approach the argument from an either/or mind set.

The Triangle of Truth show you how to harness the power of AND.

We then to think of arguments as a straight line, your truth is on one side, their truth is on the other and we’re supposed to meet in the middle. But the Triangle of Truth model, is about finding a solution at the top of the triangle. One that supports you both. In most cases our truths aren’t conflicting, they’re complimentary.

Can you explain what the Triangle of Truth is and what it can do for relationships?

There`s nothing like the dysfunctions of others to bring out the beast in us. And nothing puts us over the edge quicker than someone who refuses to see or admit the truth.

We all have people in our lives who drive us nuts. But we often find ourselves so frustrated with their narrow-minded, misguided, either/or way of thinking that we often succumb to same type of either/or thinking ourselves.

We start to think that because they are so very wrong about so many things, they`re wrong about everything.

The little voice in our head is screaming, “She`s nuts.” We know the “truth,” and we often wan to make sure everybody else knows it.

The Triangle of Truth model alleviates this problem because it enables you to see a person`s dysfunctions AND their positive attributes at the same time.

The Triangle of Truth enables you to see the REAL truth about other people. Yes they are crazy, AND there’s also another side to them, even if you can’t see it.

The truth is we`re all flawed, AND we`re also all fabulous. Our flaws may camouflage our magnificence, but they don`t negate it.

Once you accept the duality of everyone, you can hold onto the idea that they`re nuts AND they`re normal at the same time.

As someone who has to deal with certain unnamed crazy people on a regular basis, I can tell you that it works. When someone pushes my buttons, I take a deep breath and repeat to myself, “Everyone is flawed, AND everyone is fabulous.” It helps me reframe the situation.

You`ve heard the expression, “You can be right or you can be happy”? The Triangle of Truth allows you to be both.

You describe uses for the Triangle of Truth in both the personal and professional realm. Is it equally effective in both? Why or why not?

We take the same brain everywhere we go. We may dress up our act at work, but either/or thinking is a mental thought pattern that shows up in every area of our lives. So the model applies anywhere you interact with each other. We act like work and home are these separate areas, but have you ever lived with someone having career problems? Or worked with someone going through a divorce?

If we change the way we relate to each other, it changes the way we approach our entire lives. Work/life is much more a blend than a balance.

People are people wherever they go, and when they become smarter about one thing, it radiate out onto everything else.

Learning to use the Triangle of Truth has made me a better mother, a better spouse AND a better business coach.

Can you provide an example of a leader who successfully used the Triangle of Truth model and how it worked for him or her?

I have a CEO client who used it to solve a turf war. The typical turf war occurs not because people are evil or self-absorbed, but because people actually care about their jobs and their organizations, and they have expertise in their subject matter area.

But when they bump up against people who have different perspectives, instead of seeing it for what is ?€“ two teams of people who care about their role and job function ?€“ we attach all kinds of emotion to it and attribute ill-intent. People get angry, tempers flare, and then the imagined ill intent and deviousness becomes real.

The Triangle of Truth stops that process before it starts. Not only do you get things done more peacefully, but here`s the kicker that CEOs love ?€“ you get things done FASTER.

In the case of my CEO client we found that after using the Triangle of Truth, they didn’t waste time jockeying for position, with each group trying to prove their department`s truth and undermine everyone else`s.

We`ve also found that the solutions people create with the Triangle of Truth are more robust, they have better buy-in and they deliver better, longer-lasting results.

The Triangle of Truth is conflict resolution tool, but it`s also a model for igniting creativity, inspiring greatness, and it`s a catalyst for creating new models of success in our work, homes, and communities.

The ability to assimilate seemingly conflicting perspectives has been the invisible under-pinning behind our greatest success, public and private. Elvis did it when he combined country with gospel, Einstein did it when he combined science and religion, and Mary Kay created a break out business model by combining selling and nurturing.

The Triangle of Truth provides a model for everyday people to tap into that wisdom.

Where can people find the tools that will help them to use the Triangle of Truth?

www.TriangleofTruth.com – we offer free tools like 7 simple ways to harness the power of AND, 10 great Questions To Ask Your Spouse, Coworker or Prospect, and tons more, all free.

I encourage my clients to find a way that works for them to reflect. This means setting aside some time to THINK. I get a lot of resistance, and understand that finding the time to reflect is difficult in their busy schedules. The thought of spending time alone can be tough too, considering most of them (like most leaders) are action-takers. The idea of being still to reflect can be a bit disconcerting; it may not feel like anything is happening (but what if thought were considered “action”?).

The reality is that action without reflection can translate into being blind to what really needs to be done for ourselves and for the organization. We may be going down the wrong path. And by the time we discover this, it is too late. My colleague Steve Roesler calls this “Prognosis without Diagnosis”.

Learning to be proactive by looking back before we take the wrong turn is crucial. It means intentionally finding ways to slow down. It means that in our crazy-busy world, we have to regularly reflect on our actions and the reactions of others. How? It`s not as hard as you think. Instead of feeling like you have to spend large amounts of time reflecting, start by fitting a few minutes into your schedule every day.

Block out the time, every day; it takes discipline to make this a practice. Don’t let the thought of finding a large chunk of time stop you. Finding thirty minutes or even an hour may be too tough. Try blocking out fifteen minutes on your calendar for the next few months. Some find that first thing in the morning works, others may prefer lunchtime or the end of the day.

Turn off the electronic gadgets, including your computer and cell phone. Close the door and let anyone who needs to know that unless there is an emergency, you are not to be disturbed.

Ask yourself the right kinds of questions. Questions are a great way to get started. Open ended questions are the best thought starters. Some questions that you might use – or you can create your own:

• Did I follow the path I intended to in the last 24 hours? Why or why not?
• What path do I want to follow in the future?
• What makes the path important to me? To others?
• What have I noticed in others` reactions to me today?
• What actions do I need to make to follow the future path?

Write down your answers. You can be efficient here. Don’t let the thought of “journaling” get in the way. Get a small notebook and answer your questions with bullet points; large notebooks and never-ending prose are unnecessary. I realize actual writing with a pen is out of fashion, but doing it this way will allow you to think through your answers.

Stay accountable: If you are self motivated, this won’t be a problem. However, you may want to discuss your answers with someone. For many leaders, having a “reflective partner” will help with accountability; the right partner can spur creative thinking. Consider scheduling time with a friend, colleague or your coach to discuss your reflections.

Stick with it: After a while, your “reflective practice” will become a habit – like eating or sleeping. And you’ll see the results – better observations and presence, decisions and clarity.

Fifteen minutes and bullet points! Is that so hard?

There has been a lot of attention placed on Gen Y workers and what they want from the workplace, how they work differently, how their expectations are different from previous generations. I’ve often considered that the focus on generational differences at work is a plot to keep consultants busy.

But yet I wonder; do the expectations that Gen Y have for their managers and leaders differ than mine? Or from any other generation’s?

My daughter and her husband are in the under-30 crowd. Both have already had a fair amount of experience with different workplaces and management styles. Recently after a lovely Sunday dinner together, I asked my daughter and her husband, “What do you want from your managers and leaders?“. Their answers:

Ask for our thoughts and listen to them. Ask us what we think. Listen to our ideas on what can be done to make the workplace run smoother, better, more efficiently. And then consider our answers and ask us to help make the workplace better.

Treat us the same way we treat you. We want to feel valued and respected. We`ll work harder and with more care if you care.

Be honest with us. Don`t try to snow us or pretend that you know something that you really don`t. When we need to know something, tell us ?€“ don`t hold back or think it`s irrelevant. We`d rather have more information than less.

Foster a culture that wants to keep employees. Make us feel as if we are important to the organization and that you want us to stay. Instead of assuming we are doing wrong, assume we`re doing right. We`re not slackers. We want to work hard and accomplish things. Coach and mentor us when we stray.

Hmm?€¦.this was a totally unscientific survey of (only) two darned bright (if I do say so myself) Gen Y’ers. Yet it begs a question: Do Gen Y workers want anything different from their leadership than any other generation? Your thoughts?

Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, Ph.D. is the author of “The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength”. I had purchased the book as a possible resource for my introverted clients, who often express that they are “misunderstood” or “don’t fit in”. This is also an excellent book for extraverted leaders who may need to better understand the significant gifts of the introverts at work and in their lives.

Dr. Kahnweiler’s web site “AboutYOU, Inc.” has additional resources, and be sure to subscribe to her Introverted Leader Blog. She was kind enough to answer a few questions about the book and the strengths of these quiet leaders:

What was important enough about this topic that inspired you to write a book about it?

In today`s extroverted business world, introverts can feel ignored, overlooked, and misunderstood. In fact, according to my research?€”a two-and-a-half-year national study of introverted professionals?€”four out of five introverts say extroverts are more likely to get ahead in their workplace. What`s more, over 40 percent say they would like to change their introverted tendencies, but don`t know where or how to begin. I wanted to help make that a little easier. I also have found it especially satisfying to work with introverted clients.

What are the strengths that introverts can bring to leadership?

Here are five key assets they bring:

1. They think first, talk later. Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversation, they consider others` comments carefully, and stop and reflect before responding. Their tendency to be more measured with words is a major asset in today`s recession, when no leader can afford to make a costly gaffe.
2. They focus on depth. Introverted leaders seek depth over breadth. They like to dig deep?€”delving into issues and ideas before moving on to new ones. They are drawn to meaningful conversations?€”not superficial chit-chat?€”and know how to ask great questions and really listen to people`s answers.
3. They exude calm. Introverted leaders are low-key. In times of crisis, they project a reassuring, calm confidence?€”think President Obama?€”and regardless of the heat of the conversation or circumstances, speak softly and slowly.
4. They let their fingers do the talking. Introverted leaders prefer writing to talking. They opt for e-mail over the telephone and meet face-to-face only when necessary. Today, their comfort with the written word helps them better leverage online social networking tools such as Twitter?€”creating new opportunities to be “out there” with employees as they deal with uncertainty and fear.
5. They embrace solitude. Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. Sufferers of people exhaustion, they frequently need to retreat to recharge their batteries. These regular timeouts fuel their thinking, creativity, and decision-making, and when the pressure is on, help them be responsive?€” not reactive.

What do introverts need to be able to do to thrive in the extroverted business world?

The goal is not changing your personality or natural work style, but embracing and expanding who you are. As an ongoing framework, follow the “4 P`s”: preparation (devising game plans); presence (focusing on the moment); push (stretching and growing); and practice (rehearsing and refining new skills).

What advice do you have for introverted leaders around relationship building?

Use social networking to set the stage. Technology is a great tool for for preparing to meet people. Use social networking sites to set the stage for connecting with others in person at meetings and events. You can introduce yourself, find common ground and send helpful “news you can use” items – all in a low key yet friendly way.

Courage is a favorite topic when experts write about leadership. Often the kind of courage they write about is the big, bold stuff of legends: climbing Mount Everest and leading the team down safely in intrepid weather; safely landing a plane on the Hudson River; turning a company around against long odds.

I can`t deny that this kind of courage inspires me. However, there is another kind that inspires even more. It`s behind the scenes ?€“ and we tend to miss it. It doesn`t get headlines. It is not considered big, bold, or legendary. But yet it is HUGE in terms of transforming your leadership.

Before I describe this kind of courage, let`s consider that the word “courage” comes from the French word for “heart”. This kind of quiet, invisible courage is the kind that I am blessed to observe in the best leaders through the work we do, and it comes from the heart. And not coincidentally, it is this type of courage that encourages a leader to create and sustain the relationships required to do the big, bold stuff of legends.

What is this type of courage?

So what is this “type of courage”? Are you ready? The quiet, hidden courage that I am speaking of is the courage to look at oneself and make the changes necessary to be a legendary leader. Seems kind of anti-climactic compared to landing a plane on the Hudson.

But yet ?€“ I know leaders (and you do too) who are in self-denial about their bad or mediocre behavior. Or others who are unwilling to take a look at themselves through reflection, assessments or feedback from others.

Courage to look at yourself sustains you for the big stuff

Choosing the path of leadership is a personal (as well as professional) journey. It requires a great deal of toughness, persistence, and heart to make it work. It is a never ending path that takes ongoing learning, including some of the hardest lessons imaginable; sometimes against all odds. The best leaders know themselves well, and this knowing gets them through the tough times.

I`ll bet that Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, the courageous pilot who landed the plane on the Hudson, has done the courageous work of introspection. I`d wager a bet that he`s had the courage to look at and understand his strengths and gaps. I`m willing to bet that knowing those strengths and gaps were instrumental in his ability to stay calm and to save many lives.

So choose the leadership path with care. It isn`t easy. In order to be great at it, you must look inside and do the inner work required. And this requires great courage (the quiet kind).

You’ve read the previous post (It`s Not Them, It`s You), and you`ve figured out that your team may not be participating in conversations because of your behaviors. You may have asked someone you trust to observe you, or you may be self aware enough to know that you aren`t fostering the kind of relationship(s) with the team that you`d like ?€“ the kind where they actually participate in problem solving, strategy, and take initiative.

You are willing to take some responsibility: what is it that you can do to turn the tide? What are your private intentions for their engagement? How can you facilitate participation by your team? Your personal pledges (plan) to change the situation may look something like this:

Listen more: I will slow down and really listen to what your team is saying. I will learn to catch myself before I speak and stop cutting them off or shutting them down. I will allow silence to unfold because this means my team members are thinking. Thinking is good for them, for me, and for our organization.

Respect and thank your team for their input: I will work on my own belief that I know what is best. I know it will take courage for me to do this, but I need their input in order for us to make balanced decisions. I will not dismiss or ignore their ideas, as they may understand the situation better than I do. I will pause, think, and consider what`s good about what they`ve offered and speak about that. I will thank them for participating.

Ask open ended questions: I will ask questions that begin with the word “what” that you really don`t know the answer to. I will re-read The Art of Inquiry.

Shut up: I will stop asking questions and resist the urge to always provide my own answers. I will be curious and ask more questions. I recognize that by doing this, I will also learn some new things.

Embrace the messenger: I will stop shooting the messenger, and take Mom`s advice when it is appropriate to do so: “If you can`t say something nice, don`t say anything at all.”

Curb impatience and temper: When I reflect on my anger, I often find that impatience and temper are the manifestations of fear. I will consider the fears that may be contributing to shutting others down. I will tame my anger by hitting the pause button and taking some deep breaths to prevent it from showing.

When you are in the process of re-engaging your team, you must be consistent in practicing the above. Ask for their help and feedback to recognize when you steer off course. The changes will take time; they are simple but not easy. Find support and accountability in a trusted mentor or coach, and keep at it. In time, the conversations with your team will flow with creativity, support, and new ideas.