Archive for June, 2009

If you had asked me a few years back if I thought kindness was essential to leadership, I may have choked down laughter. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen it listed in a list of essential skills for a leader.

Perhaps we can value kindness through painfully experiencing its opposite. When I left a large company a few years ago as one of thousands being layed off following an acquisition, I wasn’t treated well on my last few days there. Don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for my years at that company, but was left with a final memory that could spoil a great career if I had let it.

This memory rears its ugly head from time to time – especially now, as I see thousands of employees losing their jobs. It’s safe to say that I wasn’t treated kindly.

The instigator of the bad experience was one person who was going through his own hell, wondering if he was going to have a job the next day. Stress does not make good bedfellows with kindness. When we’re under the extreme stress that a deep recession can cause, kindness can barely get any air time in brains and hearts that have been hijacked by worry. There are ways to encourage kindness in ourselves, though.

You can be firm and kind at the same time

Sure, in these tough times, I don’t advocate that you give up being firm. Firmness is essential too. It may be easier to be firm as you are dealing with the brunt of the recession – layoffs, pay cuts, and keeping your organization or business afloat.

However, when we are under stress, we either focus too much on the tasks to be completed or we turn inward, becoming overly focused on ourselves and our situation.

Being kind might be more essential than it has ever been.

The reasons for being kind are more compelling than ever. Geoff Colvin, author of The Upside of the Downturn, says “When the downturn ends, everyone will remember how your company behaved in the dark days.” They will also, more sharply perhaps, remember how YOU behaved in the dark days.

How can you be kind to others during the dark days?

Take care of yourself first. Really. Sounds a little strange when we’re talking about being kind to others. How can you possibly be kind to others when your health – mental and physical – aren’t at their peak?

Figure out what you might be able to control in your life outside of work (since you may be feeling like you can’t control much at work). Use that gym membership, get a therapist or a coach, increase the time you spend with your loved ones, meditate, pray, enjoy life in whatever way fulfills you.

Then you can focus on the needs of others in your organization or business. The oldest trick in the world for finding fulfillment is to help others. Like you, your employees and peers may feel fearful and powerless. What role might you play in easing that? What action can you take that will assist others in developing some control over what they can?

So when employees want to talk about what they are experiencing, listen with kindness. It will help you to be more human. And in the end, kindness will cost your organization and company less than its opposite.

My friend and colleague Donna Karlin asked a question the other day that has lingered with me: “Are you paying attention to the impact you are making?”.

In my business, it is important that I pay attention to how I impact my clients in order to assure that I am not interfering with the results THEY want. Donna’s question is a great reminder for all leaders to remain vigilant about their behaviors.

The Importance of Behavior to the Impact You Make

It isn’t uncommon for leaders to be oblivious to their behaviors and the impact they have on others. People are watching – closely. Leaders tend to get scrutinized more closely than others. This can result in seemingly minor behaviors getting interpreted in a big and occasionally unintended way. The impact of the behavior can be much larger than expected.

When we become aware of these behaviors and the impressions they make, a whole new world of becoming intentional about how we show up and impact others can open.

Some Real Examples

Jane was learning to allow her employees freedom of decision in how their work got done (her intent was to let go of micromanaging). In the beginning stages of learning to “let go”, her employees were reading her facial expressions and body language as disapproving while at the same time, her words were encouraging. At best this misalignment was confusing – at worst, it was damaging to her team and the results they needed to achieve.

Chris couldn’t commit to keeping our scheduled coaching meetings. Every meeting was rescheduled at the last minute. I asked him if there were other commitments in his life and work that he wasn’t keeping. Bingo. Upon reflection, he realized that this was a pattern, resulting in others’ perceptions that their needs were lower priority than whatever the crisis of the moment was.

Both of these leaders needed to take notice and take action to assure that their impact was in alignment with what they intended it to be. The relationships they had wih those around them were eroding.

Change the Behavior, Change the Impact

Luckily, these two really wanted to make changes to the behaviors that were causing problems. The behavior changes they made were able to change the impact on others to one that was positive. This may be easier said than done. But simply put, Jane aligned her body language with her words, and Chris kept his commitments. These changes have resulted in positive impact on the relationships they have – presumably a much better situation for them and their organizations!

We all want to make a positive impact. It is important to know the behaviors that impact others and change them when necessary. Seeking feedback is one way to be informed of these behaviors. For some, self-observation, observing the reactions of others, and reflection work.

Are you paying attention to the impact you make?

A leader who is new to a large scale project meets with the project team for the first time to try to understand what she just inherited. One team member speaks of frustration and problems on the installation that are delaying “go live”. She is told by the leader not to speak of this problem (or any others) again.

Another leader feels compelled to give continual “helpful advice” to everyone within earshot, even though she is not asked for this kind of critical feedback.

Another is certain that she is all-knowing and that her ideas -and hers alone – are the “right ones”. She doesn’t allow others to express their views, and even if she did, she doesn’t listen.

Last but not least, a leader who is driven by perfectionism doesn’t delegate well. When he does delegate, he continually micromanages, attempting to control every step his employees take toward learning and independence.

These leaders have a negative impact on their leadership, their organizations and their communities. They have silenced the very people who can help them to be successful.

Stop. Reflect. How might you be silencing others?

Okay, I`ve discovered (again, darn it) that I am human. With all of the frailties, faults and vulnerabilities that come with it (double darn it).

Six weeks ago, I was in major physical pain throughout my neck, back and legs. It was taking over my life ?€“ so I (finally) made an appointment to see my doctor. He prescribed pain killers, muscle relaxants and physical therapy. The pills made me loopy and tired, so I stopped taking them, but the physical therapy had promise, I thought. Here was a prescription that I could actively engage in and have some control over.

Swallowing My Dose of Humility

At the first meeting with the physical therapist, I declared exactly what I expected from her assistance. “My insurance doesn`t pay for physical therapy, so I`d appreciate your short and efficient version of rehabilitation and then I`ll be on my way.” I expected that in two or three sessions I`d be good as new.

The physical therapist meekly replied that my back problem was chronic and that it may take more than that. “Fine” I thought. “Then I`ll just beat the odds”. I just knew that if I did everything in my power, I`d be pain free and back to my life, including the gym in 2-3 sessions.

So here I am. Six weeks later, with pain in retreat (but still present), I am continuing the physical therapy 2-3 times a week. Well beyond the original self- envisioned 2-3 total therapy sessions. Although religiously doing my part (regular and focused exercises), I am humbled that this is one goal that can`t be met in my timeframe. I should have known better ?€“ a quick fix to a chronic issue just doesn`t work.

Applying lessons learned to leadership

This brings me back to many of the lessons my clients learn (sometimes from me). A humbling reminder that “those who teach do not always do”. What are the lessons?

?· There is no quick fix for chronic situations: My back took decades to get messed up. Realistically, patience is the name of the game for this kind of injury. Applying this lesson to leadership: The messes that a leader has made, or inherited, take time to make right. Just because there is a strong desire to get things done quickly, doesn`t mean it will happen in the leader`s timeframe.

?· Control can be an illusion: I really thought I had control over how quickly I would heal. Truth is, I do have some (exercise, rest), but overall, patience is the name of the game while my body takes the time it needs to heal. Applying this lesson to leadership: There are certain things (most things in organizational life) that we have very little control over. The best we can do is to influence well and control our own reaction to the uncontrollable.

It`s humbling to be reminded that we are fallible but also a springboard for reflection on learning about what is or is not possible. A dose of humility can be a very good thing!

A post, “Don’t Get Caught Naked“, solicited a comment from a reader expressing disbelief at how blind some of them can be about their faults. (“I just don’t understand how some leaders can be so blind!”).

There are plenty of reasons for this, one of which is that they don’t ask for feedback in the first place. Here are some reasons why this is hard:

• It takes a lot of courage: it takes a great deal of courage to ask for feedback. Some of the most courageous leaders in other areas of their work are unwilling to ask “how am I doing?” because they fear the answers. However, if they don’t ask in this way, they will eventually get feedback in other, less pleasant, ways.
• Listening to, and reflecting on, the feedback they’ve received doesn’t come naturally: Without a doubt, it is hard to listen to negative feedback about ourselves. Even when the feedback is overwhelming on the side of reporting our strengths, we tend to focus on, and get parlyzed by, the negative comments. And we shut down, becoming defensive or worse. The chances of our asking again are nil.
• They don’t know what to do with feedback they receive: This is not an uncommon dilemma. Once it is received – so what? As a recipient of 360 degree feedback that was literally dropped on my desk (“here, read this”), I can attest to the importance of human support to interpret and design action around the results.

All of the above can be remedied by getting support and designing a plan with a friend, peer, manager or coach. Most leaders are well meaning, desire to improve themselves and really want feedback that they can take action on. It’s the ones who really don’t care about getting feedback that concern me the most!

Roberta Hill, my friend, mentor, coach, and assessments guru – has posted a piece I wrote called “Don’t Get Caught Naked” over at her site, Assessments Today. Her site, dedicated to assessments, is a gem. I’m sure you’ll gain wisdom by stopping by.

After a long years of attempting to figure out what it takes for leaders to foster creativity, I figured the “key” must be something hidden and magical that leaders had yet to discover.

Places like IDEO and Apple know the secret, but aren’t telling the rest of us, I thought. Surely, there is a secret about what a leader needs to know and do that the vast legions of managers in the workplace don’t know about that releases creativity in employees!

After years of leading, reading, discussing, coaching, and teaching, I can now reveal what I’ve discovered: there is no secret.

The key is that leaders foster creativity when they do what they should do: lead well.

All of the things that you’ve learned about what it means to be a leader go into the magic hat of leadership. You must:

One of the skills that defines top leaders is their ability to surface the “undiscussables” – the hidden elephants that people really want to talk about but fear that revealing them out loud will have negative consequences.

Hierarchies make uncovering hidden elephants difficult

An unfortunate consequence of our hierarchical organizations is that employees will not speak their minds completely – ever. Leaders who are in a position of managerial power must work particularly hard at surfacing new ideas and potential problems that others see but leaders may not.

Its also not unusual for a leader to believe that others are not telling them everything. (“Gasp! You mean that even though I’m a wonderful leader and a great person, people will not be completely honest with me?” – Yes).

Six Easy Steps

Unless a leader is deliberate about creating safety for important dialog to occur, they will not hear what is important to them and their organization. How can a leader create safety? Consider the following steps:

1. Examine Your Intention for Honest, Open Discussion: Examining your motives for a discussion is a great way to prepare. Do you really want to hear the truth or would you rather just confirm what you already know or believe? If it is the latter, that is a different kind of discussion.
2. Listen with Intensity: You can’t hear honest ideas and opinions if you’re talking and spouting your opinions. In fact, chances are that you’ll shut down the conversation completely by using these tactics.
3. Ask Questions: Open ended questions that delve deeply into the topic being discussed will show that you are interested and willing to consider what is being said. Other types of questions (closed “yes/no”, and “leading” questions) have a place, but not in an “uncovering hidden elephants” conversation.
4. Acknowledge the Answers: When others are willing to talk about the elephants, acknowledge and thank them. This doesn’t happen often, and people are putting themselves on the line for you and the organization. For goodness sake, the right thing to do is to say “thank you”.
5. Use The Best Ideas and Take Action on the Problems: You must be willing to do something about what you’ve heard. If you don’t, people won’t take the risk to speak up again. If you find that some of the ideas and problems are not actionable, let the people you spoke with know that but be careful not to stifle the conversation by saying “no” to to many things.
6. Assure That There Aren’t Negative Consequences to the Surfaced Elephants: Revealing confidences inappropriately or chastising the individuals who spoke up will also prevent them from speaking up again later. They need to trust that these things won’t happen in order for you to count on them to uncover new elephants later.

   Now that isn’t so hard……is it?

Katherine Bell, at HBR’s Conversation Starter blog, weighs in on empathy in “Empathy: Not Such a Soft Skill“. She also questions the NY Times article why leaders can’t be both tough and empathetic and still be successful, which caught my attention earlier through Dan McCarthy’s Great Leadership blog.

Hard to believe, but Ms. Bell and I didn’t communicate before she wrote her post – and yet we both agreed that it is possible for successful leaders to be BOTH tough AND empathetic.

I must admit that I do prefer the definition from Management Research Group’s Leadership Effectiveness Analysis (“LEA 360″, a 360 instrument that I administer to clients): “Demonstrating an active concern for people and their needs by forming close and supportive reltationships with others”.

This instrument uses 22 competencies to measure a leader’s effectiveness, empathy being one of what could be termed the “softer skills” (this instrument, in my mind, is extremely balanced between the softer competencies and the tougher ones), yet essential if a leader is going to be effective.

As I am fond of reminding anyone who will listen: “leadership is all about relationships”. A leader can demonstrate (and should) a whole lot of other hard skills, but if he looks around and nobody is following him – he isn’t leading.

A leader gains followers and gets the work done through developing close and supportive relationships with others. Period. I have no doubt that those who score low on the empathy competency will not be successful over the long run (perhaps they will enjoy some success over the short run).

My question: how does a leader who lacks empathy in the way that the Oxford dictionary defines,* or in the way that the LEA 360 defines above, develop it? I have a few ideas. Care to add yours?

*The power of projecting one’s personality into (and so fully comprehending) the object of contemplation.