Every Thursday, I provide you with a thoughtful way to coach yourself – something all leaders need to do. So take five – enjoy the inspirational quotes or passages and reflect on the questions that follow. 

“When I dream alone, it is just a dream.

When we dream together, it is the beginning of reality.

When we work together, following our dream, it is the

creation of heaven on earth “

….. Adapted Brazilian Proverb

• What is the dream that you dream of becoming a reality?
• What does heaven on earth look for you?
• Who will you invite to dream with you?
• What first step can you take?
• When will you begin?

Leadership can be quite a journey. We have good days and bad days (and weeks, months, years). In the end, they all contribute to our learning. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all experiences that we can reflect on and learn from. Many of them “happen” quickly to us, providing us with a chance to react and do our best to change course.

Yet there are some things that we need to be intentional about improving. And one of them is us. You know, the self-development- that- forces- us- to- look- at- ourselves- and- do- things- that- will- force- us to- step- out- of- our- comfort- zone stuff.

Leaders must purposefully put themselves in a position where the discomfort of personal change (for professional and organizational good) makes them sweat. Sounds a little painful, but its one of those “it’ll be good for you” things.

We all have something we need to change about the way we behave. Some of us have lots of those. Consider the feedback you’ve received from your manager, your peers or your employees. What gives you pause?  Choose one or two big  things to work on that you are passionate about changing; don’t shy away from the tough stuff. Stretch yourself. If beads of sweat break out on your forehead, you are ready. Then: 

1. Write it down: I’m a big fan of writing out an action plan. What steps will you take? How will you know that you’ve succeeded? When do you want to achieve these goals?
2. Find a way to stay accountable: Oh, the intrusions of the ever-urgent, more important things to do. Following through is so hard. Many leaders find that a mentor or a coach can keep them on track. Many ask their staff and peers to hold them accountable. Whatever you decide, the “check in” with the people who are holding you accountable should be frequent. 
3. Take action: Take a step every day. Yes, every day. The more you “practice”, the better and faster you’ll hit your stride and form new habits (that’s when you stop sweating).
4. Get feedback: Ask those who observe you to provide specific feedback. How did you do? What can you do differently? 
5. Reflect: Post-action reflection is essential! Journal, talk with your coach or mentor, but daily reflection on the strides you make and the adjustments you still need to make is important for progress. 
6. Adjust: Make the necessary adjustments in your actions. Sometimes we “over correct” and need to pull back; sometimes we just need to step it up a notch. 
7. Do # 3, 4, 5 and 6 again: Keep it up. Keep practicing, reflecting and adjusting. You’re on your way! 
8. Celebrate your success: What will you do to celebrate? Who will you invite (hint: consider the same stakeholders whom are giving you feedback and are holding you accountable). Let me know where I can meet you – I love celebrations! 

Congratulations, you met your goals! What do you need to work on next? When will you get started?

In the fine arts, the word “value” has to do with the degree of lightness or darkness, the “luminosity” in a color. This is true for human beings too; we all emit a certain degree of luminosity to others – a value that can be interpreted in a positive or negative way.

We can notice the value in others if we stay alert. We’ve all known someone who emits a great deal of light; they are luminous. We are attracted to them. That’s the easy part.

Making the effort to notice value in those we have rejected, whom we don’t see eye to eye with, is important too.

As leaders, there is also some real worth in seeing beyond our negative judgment of others for the greater good of our organizations and communities. Instead of outright rejection of an individual, we may find value there.

Mom was wrong

My mother would say, “first impressions are lasting impressions” – meaning that a first impression of someone can’t be changed (and an implied caution that I better be careful to make a good first impression on others!). Sorry mom – you were wrong.

It is possible to change your first (or second) impression if you are willing. We all judge some people harshly.  If we are intentional, we can learn to give up those negative first impressions to discover what is valuable.

These negative judgments are particularly harmful when they apply to the people we lead:

that colleague down the hall who is always whining about something;

the employee who just “doesn’t get it”;

the person whom we just can’t see eye to eye with philosophically.

In all of these cases, even if we don’t realize it, we are snuffing out a person’s luminosity and devaluing them to the detriment of our organization.

Seeing beyond the negative

Stop and think about those negative impressions. Are they true, or just an opinion – something that you see through your own lens? Have a dialog with the person, listen, and ask, “What can I value here?”.

What new beliefs are you willing to be open to?

You might be surprised if you are open. And you might find some lightness shining through.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

• What questions, if answered, will release your full leadership potential?
• What questions, if answered, will release the full potential of your employees?
• What keeps you from asking?
• What compels you to ask?
• What questions will you let simmer?

Ruth Shaw was the first woman to head a U.S. power company (Duke Energy). Equipped with a Ph.D. and a successful career in higher education, she had served as an executive in various positions at Duke. When she was chosen for the top position, she was surprised. She didn’t have technical knowledge in engineering, marketing or operations. The board chairman told her that the company already had specialists; that she was chosen to be the CEO to connect the dots. Connecting the dots is very much about having, and using, one’s intuition.

My own lifetime of connecting dots

Early in my corporate career, I set out to learn as much as I could about the large organization of which I was a part. Since I began as a bench scientist, learning more about the bigger organization meant that I needed to take control of my own learning and seek out positions in business areas that would help me learn as much as I could in the shortest time possible.

At one point, one of my managers said to me, “Mary Jo, if you want to get into management, you’ll have to stay in a position for a while” (I had never stayed anywhere in the company for more than 2.5 years at that point). He was implying, of course, that I needed deep technical knowledge in order to move up the ladder.

I wasn’t buying his advice, and have grown to understand that the learning I did served (and is serving) me well. I ended a long career with a global position that required a ton of intuition and a lot of knowledge stuffed into my brain. Because of my broad experience and my drive to learn, I am proud that, most of the time, I am able to connect the dots.

Why dot-connecting is important

As our world and our businesses become more global, connecting the dots will become even more important. Leaders who can grasp the significance and connectivity between their organizations, the larger corporation, their communities, countries, and the global context are going to be in top demand. In a poll conducted by PRWeek and Burson-Marsteller, the majority of the 252 CEOs surveyed said they were likely to rely on their intuition when making most business decisions.

The key is in being a learning leader

In order to see the whole, leaders need to be learning leaders. This implies a lot of vulnerability and a willingness to ask the questions that will help the brain to patch seemingly unconnected information together. Leaders need to be able to take in large amounts of information and make the connections visible and relevant to others. The ability to anticipate the future, solve problems with insight, and focus on long term goals are all direct results of being a learning leader.

Learning has everything to do with your ability to work with people and create healthy, strong relationships with others too. When you learn more about your followers, you are able to connect the dots in order to guide them in applying their strengths and passion to the work that is most meaningful for them and your organization.

A learning leader is able to seek out and distill a great amount of  information. They can then exercise their brain muscle by intuitively connect the dots; an in-demand skill at almost any organization. It takes a dedication and drive to learn, as well as conscious intent.

Are you being intentional about learning today in order to connect the dots tomorrow?

There are times when a leader must refrain from giving advice and offering opinions; yet such restraint is difficult. After all, you’re paid to provide solutions….aren’t you? So you don’t pause to consider, in the moment, about whether it’s appropriate to give your opinions and advice. When asked, your mouth opens and you speak your truth without considering the consequences.

And so it continues. Opinions and advice are provided, and your staff keeps coming back to ask for more. You’re wearing down under the burden of being the person with all the knowledge. You’ve dug yourself into the answer-person hole and it seems too deep to climb out of. To quote an old commercial, “It’s a vicious cycle!” Do you really want to work this hard?

It’s flattering, but is it wise?

It’s certainly flattering to give your advice and opinions. Excuses I often hear from leaders for doing so are, “they asked me for my opinion” or “my staff expects me to tell them.” Stop and consider if this habit of is really serving you and your staff at this time and for this situation.

The truth is that leaders must give advice and opinions. The wisdom to be learned in this is discernment about when to give answers and when to guide (or coach).

Less-experienced staff may need more from you; your opinions and advice will be valuable as they are learning about the organization and your expectations. As they learn and develop, you will need to let go and let them grow by guiding (coaching) them, rather than providing your solutions.

Support your staff in finding their own solutions

When you support your staff in developing their own solutions and opinions, you’ve not only supported their growth, but you also free up yourself to do work that has a higher priority for you and your organization.

So before you spout off those solutions and opinions, ask yourself:

• How does it serve me and those I lead at this time to be the answer person?
• What does this situation call for?
  • Is my advice and opinion needed, or
  • Do I need to guide them instead?

It’s freeing to help others find their own solutions. Your staff wants to develop and discover the best ways that they can serve the organization, and you want to dig your way out of the answer-person hole. Perhaps now is the time to consider “guiding” rather than “telling”.

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force.
The people who listen to us are the ones we move toward.
When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” 

Karl Menninger

Listening helps you and the people you listen to learn and develop. Listen; really listen to someone today.

• Ask them at the end, “What are you taking away from this conversation?” (Be prepared to be surprised).

Reflect on the experience of listening you had: 

• What did you learn about the person you listened to? About yourself? 
• How will you use what you learned?

When was the last time you felt as if you were listened to? What was that like?

Many people find it difficult to answer the first question; however, those that can have no problem remembering what it felt like: I often hear them say “I felt valued” or “I felt like someone cared”.

Simple in theory, yet hard to do, listening is a powerful tool for leaders that makes people feel as if they matter. When people feel like they matter, they will give their best to you and your organization. This is such a profound truth that I’ve wondered why we don’t get listening training in school and at work (“listening skills” should be part of every leadership development program!). 

What causes a leader to close his ears?

In addition to the external distractions that pull us away from listening, the hierarchical and political nature of our organizations has had a hand in a leader’s reluctance to listen as they should. We tend to perpetuate the myth that our leaders have all the answers, so they must be smarter. They begin to believe this themselves. The truth is, that if they are giving all of the answers, they aren’t listening, and they’ve stopped valuing what others have to say.

The danger is that when we close our ears, we may also have ceased learning. When we believe we know it all, we have stopped valuing what others have to add to the dialog. When we open ourselves up what others say, we learn from them and they feel valued.

It takes effort

Most of us are not be accustomed to opening ourselves up to this deep level of listening; it requires great patience and practice. We must be willing to take the time to listen. We must suspend our judgments and observe tone, inflection, facial expression and body language. We must listen beyond what is spoken or visible for that which is unspoken.

Asking yourself the following questions can provide a powerful framework for “leaning in” to listen at your best:

• What could I learn by listening?
• What beliefs do I have about myself – in relation to others – that prevent me from really listening?
• What judgments have I made about others? Are they valid?
• What is it about listening that is important to me? To others? To my organization?

Practice. Try setting aside some time to listen to people who are important to you in your organization. I’d love to have you come back here and let me know what you’ve learned.

Leaders tell me that there are things that get in the way of their ability to really listen. All of them can be remedied. We’ll start with the simplest – the physical distractions.

To be able to really listen, we must quiet our minds and focus. For many, this will mean that we need to control the distractions that will allow us to “lean in” to the conversation.

Years ago I had a manager who allowed our conversations to be pulled away by physical distractions. When we were in a conversation, and his phone rang, he picked it up. If someone came to his door with a less-than-urgent matter, he would talk it out with them while I sat idly by, feeling very small and very unnecessary. Unfortunately his habit of allowing those distractions colored my opinion of him in a very unfavorable way (and I wasn’t self aware or courageous enough in my youth to have a dialog with him about his rude behavior), prolonged our conversations, and made me feel unappreciated. For the record, his rude behavior was a significant reason for my leaving that position.

If I had been more confident, I would have respectfully asked him if he could have his administrative assistant take the incoming calls and ask people who came to his door to return later. In our world of  increasing distractions, it takes an intention to focus on the conversation and a willingness to eliminate distractions so we can do our best at truly listening. Your ability to be able to “lean in” to show you value the other person will be enhanced by doing the following:

1.      Forward the office phone to someone else or to voice mail to reduce the interruption it causes by hearing it ring. (P.S. if you are listening 1:1 on the phone, take it off “speaker” mode, for goodness’ sake. If you want to be hands free on your office phone, buy a headset).

2.      Turn off the cell phone and put it out of reach so you aren’t tempted to look at incoming messages 

3.      Turn off alerts on your office computer because, like your phones, even the sound they make can distract you from listening 

4.      Close your door (if you have one) or ask to meet later when people with non-urgent interruptions stop by when you are in a conversation 

5.      Come out from behind your desk and sit at a conference table, if you have one which eliminates a barrier to good listening 

6.      Face the person you are listening to and lean forward into the conversation 

7.      Shut up and be strategic about offering your opinion. Consider that the most important thing for you to do right now is to listen. 

Most of these solutions are all relatively easy and most are mechanical in nature – if we are intentional. The solution that seems to be the biggest hurdle is #7; the internal distraction which has to do with the value we place on what others have to say (or not). Stay tuned for the next post which will address that tougher issue.

Thought-full Thursday is a new feature on this site. It will be very brief, a quote or brief passage followed with some thoughtful questions. Feel free to respond to the questions here, or to simply to reflect and revel in the beauty of the questions that you don’t know the answers to. Why am I doing this on a site dedicated to leadership? Because all leaders can use a little more thought and silence in their lives.

“We know the experience of being listened to by painfully experiencing its opposite.”  ~ unknown

• Recall a time when you felt listened to. What did you feel? Where did you feel it?
• What is the personal value for you when you listen? How do others value from your listening?
• What distractions prevent you from listening?
• What beliefs keep you from listening?
• What will it take for you to turn away from the distractions and change your beliefs so that you really listen?